“Do you think your husband was your best match?”
Becca looks stricken, and I immediately regret the question, my stomach sinking.There’s pain in her eyes, and I didn’t mean to hurt her. I was right to be cautious; I shouldn’t push her.
Like I just did.
“Sorry,” I say.
“It’s okay.” Her face is a mask, betraying nothing. “What about you? What are you looking for in a partner?”
I’m not honestly sure, except that I know I haven’t found it. “Someone who fits in my life, I guess. And someone I fit with. Something comfortable and simple.”
“I like that,” Becca says. “That’s the real fantasy, isn’t it? Not some big fancy affair, but an everyday sense of being comfortable and happy and supported and loved. Able to just be yourself.”
I imagine that kind of love is hard to find on a show like this, but I don’t say so. “Yeah. My friend Jason—who climbs shit—has been in a relationship for the last couple of years, and I’ve always been envious of them.They’re so natural together.Theyfit, and it’s easy, and they’re happy. I want to find something like that.”
“But you haven’t.”
“No,” I say. “I never have.” I’ve had some girlfriends, but my longest relationship was six months. Every time, after the initial rush of attraction and chemistry wore off, the relationship would become a chore for one or both of us. She’d want too much of my time and get clingy when I had to travel for work. Or I’d be really into the relationship, but she’d slowly have less and less time for me until she told me it wasn’t working. We’re never on the same page at the same time.
“Do you usually date Black girls?” Becca asks. “Or white girls?”
I’m surprised she asked. “Both,” I say. My romantic history is pretty all over the map as far as that’s concerned. “And I once went on a date with Su-Lin, fromStarving with the Stars. She’s Chinese.”
“But that didn’t work out?”
“No. Neither of us was all that into it. She’s a little too . . . random for me. But she’s engaged to her business partner now, and they’re really happy. What about you?” I know her late husband was white. I saw the pictures of him on her living room wall. He was a buff guy with red hair in a military haircut.
“Um, one of myTinder dates was Latino,” she says. “The rest were white.”
I want to ask if she’d ever consider dating a Black guy, but that’s too far, even given how familiar we’ve been with each other in this conversation.
Plus, I don’t want to hear her say no, or listen to the excuses about how she would be open to it, but actually she’s not.
“I don’t know how to talk about this stuff,” Becca says a little suddenly. “The race thing, I mean. I’m afraid I’ll say something wrong and offend you.”
That’s more forthright than most white people are. Most have been raised to be colorblind, which means they try to shut down any conversation about racial issues as soon as they can.
“It’s okay,” I say. “I mean, you haven’t said anything that offends me yet.”
“If I do, will you tell me? I don’t want to do that, but I definitely want to know if I do.”
That’s a big question. She’s asking for more than she knows, because calling white people on their racism usually ends badly for the Black guy. But she’s sincere, I think, even if she wouldn’t ultimately like the results.
“Sure.” I’m not sure if it’s a lie or not.That’ll depend on what happens, I guess.
I’m about to change the subject, when Becca adds, “This show is really white, yeah?”
That’s an understatement.Chasing Prince Charmingmakes nods toward diversity, but the final set of contestants are always white, as is Prince Charming himself.The show has been getting bad press for it lately, though it doesn’t seem to have changed much. Didn’t stop one of my climbing friends from suggesting it might be easier for me to get a job here because I’m Black.
I just stared at him until he shut up and walked away. I didn’t know where to begin to tell him that no, being Black doesn’t make it easier for me to get hired. It definitely doesn’t make it easier for me to succeed in this industry. I wasn’t ready to get into an argument about my reality with someone who sees the whole thing as academic. I don’t want to have that argument now, either.
“It sure is,” I say.
“Does that bother you?”
It seems like she actually wants to know, but the answer is complicated. I mean, of course it bothers me. But also, it’s a job, and it’s not like Jason’s show wasn’t white as hell. I was the only Black guy there, too. “I don’t know. I guess I’m going to find out.”
“I imagine most of the people in production are white, yeah?” she says. “And you mentioned before that there will be twenty blond girls, and there are only thirty contestants, right?”
