I very much doubt it, but I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t think it was at least a possibility, right?
“It’s a little nerve-racking.”This is an understatement.
“What are you nervous about?” he asks.
“The whole experience, I guess. How I’ll be perceived, and whether I’ll do anything stupid on camera. And that I’ll be sent home tonight and miss out on the adventure. But I’m also nervous that it’ll gowelland I’ll fall in love and get my heart broken. Or Iwon’tget my heart broken, and I’ll have to open up to someone, and that alone is terrifying.”
I close my eyes. I’m babbling again. I seem to do that around Nate, when I’m supposed to be concentrating on being charming and eloquent and generally not looking like an idiot. Nate said they can only use what I give them.
I’m afraid I’ve already given them more than enough to make a fool out of me.
“That’s a lot of things to be afraid of,” he says. “I think you hit every possible outcome.”
“I think I did!” Except maybe the possibility that I’m way too into a producer and will make myself look really bad by hitting on him instead of Prince Charming. I did manage to not say that out loud.
“Have you dated much since you lost your husband?” he asks.
“Not a lot,” I admit. “I’ve been on dates.” If you want to call them that, I guess.
“But no relationships.”
“Definitely not.”
“Why do you think that is?”
I mumble something about not having been ready, and he smiles sympathetically. I realize I’m not sure if I’ve been restating his questions, and now I’m not sure if I’m supposed to, since we’re not in an official interview with a camera. I’m about to ask, but he speaks first.
“It seems like you’re more afraid of having a relationship than losing one,” he says. “Am I getting that right?”
I stare at him. Heisright, but I can’t tell him why.There are a hundred reasons not to talk about my marriage on nationalTV, but my girls and my in-laws are the four most important. “Maybe a little,” I say, and he narrows his eyes slightly, like he can tell I’m hedging.
Nate doesn’t miss a thing, unfortunately. I hope I’m not being this transparent about my attraction to him. Either way, this could be a problem.
“What makes you so afraid of having a relationship?” he asks softly.
“There’s more than one kind of loss,” I say carefully. “There are things that are worse than rejection.” I expect Nate to pry further, but he just leans back in his seat.
“So, as a single mom, where do you usually meet men?” he asks. “I’m guessing it’s not on dating shows.”
“I’ve done some dating online. Have you ever tried it?” I want to ask if he has a girlfriend. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this over the last few weeks. He’s not wearing a wedding ring, and he didn’t mention a wife when talking about his family, but he might have a fiancée or a live-in girlfriend or a serious, long-distance situation. He probably does—a guy as gorgeous and awesome as him is not going to stay on the market for long.
“Yeah, some,” he says. “I mostly meet people at parties, though. My friends do a lot of socializing and I tag along.That’s where I’ve met most of the girls I’ve dated.”
There’s my chance. “Are you seeing anyone now?”
Nate shakes his head, and I try not to appear visibly relieved.
It shouldn’t matter if he’s dating anyone. I’m here to datePrince Charming, not the producers. Besides, just because he’s single doesn’t mean he’s into me.
“I can see why you’d rather meet people in person than online,” I say. “Though I imagine you get far fewer dick pics than I do.”
Nate laughs. “No, never gotten a dick pic. Nor have I sent one.”
I have a brief moment of imagining what one would look like if he did, though I manage to keep from glancing down at his jeans.
Come on, Becca,I think.Get yourself under control.
“Really, though, would you admit it if you had?” I ask.
