I feel like I’m sinking into this quicksand of my own mind.
“But maybe,” I continue. “Maybe deep down, that’s how it really is, you know? Like, you think you love me and want to be with me, but subconsciously—”
“No.”
“But if it’ssubconscious—”
“Damn it, Emily!” He jerks his hand from mine, and I flinch. “You can’t just decide how I feel! I’m the one who decides how I feel, not you.”
I gape at the sudden anger. “I’m just asking.”
“No, you’re not. You’re not asking how I feel. You’re trying to tell me how I feel, and I’m sick of it.”
I scoot away from him, my own eyes narrowed. “Iwasasking! I was asking if you thought it might even be possible you feel that way.”
“It’s not a question if you’ve already decided what the answer is!” He hasn’t turned the lamp on even though he obviously should have—not that I need the extra signal. “It’s about the intention.”
“That’s not fair!” I get to my feet because I don’t even know what to do with this frustration, but sitting there like I’m at a goddamn picnic isn’t it. “You get pissed at me for telling you how you feel, but it’s okay to tell me what my intention is?”
“It’s not the same—” He cuts off his own words with a growl and stands up, too. “You’re not listening to me, and I can’t do this right now. I can’t.” With that, he storms off down the trail, clutching the lava lamp so tightly in his hand, he might break the damn thing.
He doesn’t look back, just disappears around the corner.
I swear and kick a rock, then scrub my hands over my face. How are we so bad at this?
I’m pissed and I’m frustrated and I’m terrified. Because I know we need to get better—Ineed to get better at this—or we really won’t make it.
But I have no idea how.
Nine
Jason
Istorm back to camp, kind of pissed at myself that Emily and I still had precious alone time left, but I can’t even think about talking to her right now. I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that, shouldn’t have yelled at her, and definitely should have turned on the stupid lava lamp before I did.
But I cannot stand Emily telling me how I feel, especially when she’s decided I don’t love her. I may not be good at expressing myself, and yeah, I’m realizing now I might have more anger toward my dad than I want to have, because I’ve always known he’s not worth my energy. I can never make him happy, so I’ve tried for years not to care.
About Emily, though? I love her so much I can’t see straight. For her to decide that Isubconsciouslydon’twant to be with her . . .
What the fuck am I supposed to say to that?There’s nothing I can say, because she can always reply that of course I don’tknowI feel that way.That’s whatsubconsciouslymeans.
But there is no part of me, subconscious or otherwise, that isn’t deeply in love with Emily. I wonder ifshe’strying to convince herself I’m not so thatshewon’t feel bad about breaking up withme.
I sigh. Emily knows the way back, and she of all people is fully capable of taking care of herself, so it’s not like I’m abandoning her. I need to calm down and not accuse her of accusing me of being checked out of the relationship subconsciously because she’s the one checked out subconsciously because that would be me telling her what she’s feeling and I just yelled at her for doing that same thing to me.
Oh my god, I’m not sure even my own thoughts make sense right now. I always knew I was terrible at talking about how I feel, but holy shit, I’ve never needed to be good at it as much as I do right now, with my whole relationship on the line.
I take the long way back to camp, walking fast, not really looking at the scenery, trying to work out my anger and frustration. I’m the one I’m mad at, I realize, not her. I’m pissed that I’m messing everything up, when all I want in the world is to make this easy on her, so she’ll stay with me a little longer. I’ve always thought she was going to lose interest, but the way she said those things about me not loving her anymore and not even knowing it . . .
She sounded so scared.
I don’t want her to be afraid. She doesn’t need to be. I’ll never leave her, and while I knowthatscares her, I’m never going towantto, either, because I love her more than anything.
I may suck at showing her, but I’m absolutely certain that’s never going to change. I just wish I knew how to convince her. I hate that she’s worried about this all the time.
I arrive back at camp, stirring up the flock of ravens that’s taken to perching around the edges, waiting to storm the garbage cans and any unattended leftovers at mealtime. I haven’t even passed the first tent when I see cameras training on me again.Three of the camera operators are wearing large, blinged-out crosses that must come from Genesis’s collection, and I wonder if their salaries afford a large, gaudy accessory budget or if Genesis has been handing them out in return for favors. I guess Emily and I aren’t in a position to judge her if she is. Strange fashion choices aside, I’m back in the fishbowl, and I’m going to have to doanothertherapy session before I get alone time with Emily again.
Damn it.
