Then again, Jason never admits that it does.
He stares at the ground. “You know,” he says, “while we were there, Simon said he’d love to do a YouTube show. Something about how to do science experiments in your kitchen.”
It’s a deflection, for sure, but it does make me smile. Simon’s the freshman and adorably geeky. And, like his younger brother, he worships Jason, though I don’t think Jason believes it.
“He’d be good at it, too.”
“Probably. But my dad said no way. Couldn’t handle him being too much like me, I guess.”
I grit my teeth, even as I squeeze Jason’s hand. Maybe I’m squeezing too tight, but he doesn’t seem to mind.
“Wow.” I’m not even sure what else to say at this point.
“Yeah.”
We sit in silence for a little bit. Even the bird seems to have gone quiet. My hand is sweaty from the heat, but I’m not about to remove it. I want to keep talking about his family, because I think it’s good for him, but maybe it’s time to turn it to something a little lighter.
“Your stepmom seems to like hearing about your show. She even asked me all about my job, though I think she never quite got what I do. I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m just really good atTwitter.”
Jason chuckles. “Well, you are. And yeah, Leah’s nice.” He doesn’t usually say much about her beyond that. I think he feels like it’s a betrayal of his mom if he actually likes his stepmom. “She loved you.”
“Probably because I made our bed in the morning. She told your brothers they could take a lesson from me. Which maybe madethemnot love me.”
“Nah. Simon totally has a crush on you.”
“Well, unfortunately for him, I’m already taken. And I’m not big on dating minors. Jail would be terrible for my coif.” I pat at my sweaty, limp ponytail.
Jason smiles at me, then looks down again. “It was cool that they liked you so much. Not that I doubted they would.”
He thinks everyone will like me, which isn’t true. But I don’t mind him feeling that way.
Something occurs to me. “Do you think when you brought me home, you hoped that would impress them? Like, not me specifically, but the fact that you had a serious girlfriend?”
He squints, considering. “No. I don’t think so. Impressing them isn’t something I particularly care about.”
By them, I’m pretty sure he meanshim. And while I know Jason believes this, I’m not entirely sure that he’s right.
With his free hand, he picks at some scrubby grass. “Even if I was trying to impress them, it wouldn’t have worked. My dad thinks you’re too good for me. I mean, he said that.”
“OH. MY. GOD.” I gape. After everything else his dad has said, this shouldn’t surprise me. But still. “That is horrible. And completely untrue. One hundred percent untrue.”
“Yeah, well.” He doesn’t say anything else, and there’s a deep sadness in his face.
Sadness because he’s so hurt his dad said that?
Or because he believes his dad is right?
My chest constricts, thinking again of what he said in therapy. Our whole relationship, he’s been worried about me rejecting him.
Could I have done more to convince him of how much I love him?Told him more that I think he’s so fun and outgoing and talented, and that I admire the way he gives everything he can to those he loves and takes care of his mother and sisters and any friends who need help? He makes people feel good just being around him. He’s so amazing, and while I’m not the self-deprecating type, if anything, it’shimwho’s too good forme.
Whatever I could have done better, me nearly breaking up with him certainly made it all worse.
“Do you think . . .” I swallow. “Do you think it’s possible you don’t really want to be with me, but you don’t want to lose our relationship because it feels too much like rejection? Like, maybe you’re not in love with me anymore, but you still don’t want to be rejected, and—”
“No,” he says firmly, his eyes narrowing. “I told you, I love you. I want to be with you.”
I’m desperate to believe him, but he says other things just as firmly that I don’t think are true—things about how he feels about his dad, especially. And though I remember all too viscerally the fear and hurt and pleading on his face when we almost broke up, maybe that wasn’t about losing me specifically, even if he wasn’t aware of it.
