Rich shakes his head. I’m guessing they’re going to edit that part out and make me look like I’m having these women do climbs without ropes in which it’s possible that they might die. Viewers who have seenFree Solowill probably believe it.
At least the people who watch my show regularly will know better. We like to play things up for drama, but we’re also pretty big on showing exactly what makes the drama safe enough that we’re comfortable trying it.
Now that Emily and Genesis have cleared the wall, Kate drags me forward by the arm. “All right, Jason,” she says. “What’s the best mounting position?”
I try not to wince at her obvious innuendo and help her get started. She seems to need a lot of help for a self-proclaimed expert, but she also might be doing that thing some women do where they pretend to be helpless for attention. It’s my job to give her that attention, but I’m careful to be as professional as possible as we start to climb, listening to Genesis regale Emily with the tale of her near-death experience at the top.
“Why are there so many bugs out here?” Calista screeches from the pad. “Can’t your spa afford pest control?”
“Here, Calista,” I hear one of the handlers say. “I can get you some bug spray.”
“As long as it’s organic,” Calista replies.
I blink. I’m really not sure what she thinks that word means.
“So, Jason,” Kate says. “I hear that climbing is great for the ass. Yours sure looks very toned.”
Shit. I’ve gotten a little ahead of her, and I immediately move back down. I could climb this thing in my sleep, but I’m not going to do it with Kate staring at my ass.
“Climbing is a total body workout,” I say. “It tones everything.”
Kate gives me a look that tells me she’d like to get a look at everything, and I feel my face start to burn. Emily peers over the edge, glaring daggers at Kate, but Geoff pulls her over to start Genesis on the next section.
So there’s no chance she’s going to save me from this.
Not that I should need it. It’s fine. Kate’s brash and persistent, but Emily knows I’m not interested.
Which only seems to make her angry, and I don’t think I could be any more confused.
Kate’s fingers slip, and before I can remind her to keep her weight on her feet, she grabs my arm again, like she wants me to save her. I’m remembering that time Su-Lin knocked me off my climbing wall and gave me a concussion, and I’m grateful for the helmet.
“You’ve got this,” I tell Kate. “Grab the rock, not me.”
“Got it,” Kate says. “I do like to have my hands on something hard.”
I close my eyes. From above, I can see the cameras taking all of this in.
Oh my god, I am so done with this week.
Seven
Emily
After watching Kate make sexual comments at my boyfriend for three hours, I couldn’t be more excited that our first day of climbing with the Not-Wives is over. By the time we reached the top and Monroe led the Not-Wives through visualization exercises to celebrate their triumph over gravity, I wanted to toss Kate off the cliff every bit as much as Genesis and Destyny wanted to do to each other. But we all hiked down the back way without shoving anyone off the mountain, and we only had to hear one more recounting of Genesis’s near-death experience.
I would have been even happier to be done with that if I didn’t know that next on the schedule is our first Monroe-led couples therapy session. It’s hard enough for me to talk about my emotions with my own boyfriend, let alone with a total stranger who’s there to judge me and tell me all the things I’m doing wrong in my relationship.
I am even less comfortable with the judger in question being a reality show star with dubious credentials who seems to think that fashion is the key to enlightenment. I ameven lesscomfortable knowing the whole thing is going to be on camera for the entire world to see. In fact, I’m pretty sure this might be my own personal hell.
But I love Jason, and more than that, I love the two hours of peace and camera-free quiet Jason and I are going to get by putting in our time with Monroe while she has us meditate or do trust falls or whatever weird-ass trend is going around in celebrity self-improvement these days. We need to do some serious talking, and there’s no way for us to do that with the cameras on us.
We’re following one of said cameramen right now as he leads us over to an area against the canyon wall where the film crew has set up our first therapy session, just across the path from where Jason gave his instruction session yesterday. I can already see several more cameras pointing at a cushioned folding chair and Destyny’s pink couch. I wonder what they had to promise her to get her to give that up, even for an hour.
“Come in,” Monroe calls imperiously as we approach.
I wouldn’t describe this asin,unless she’s counting the few purple-flowered desert sage bushes next to the couch as some sort of office boundary.There’s not even a rock overhang here—we’re out in the open air, with the blue sky above us.The heat is pretty intense, and I wonder how Monroe is coping under that thick helmet of hair, now back in place after it was flattened by her actual helmet. I’m grateful for my ponytail, and that I turned down hair and makeup. It’s a decision I may regret when I see myself on camera, but damn it, I’m doing this against my will, and makeup wasn’t in the bargain I made with Rich. I didn’t evenbringmine, because I never do when I’m camping.
Jason takes my hand as we approach the couch. From his bag under Monroe’s arm,Tiberius snarls. Monroe pats him on the head, then straightens the tiny silk Burberry scarf around his neck. At Monroe’s side, she’s got a big tote bag filled with what I’m guessing from the plush dinosaur tail areTiberius’s toys.
