Su-Lin shakes her head, and she holds me tighter. Her body is basically glued to mine, and I’d be happy if she never let go.
I close my eyes. “She says to me, ‘God, Brendan. Did you really think I could ever be satisfied with justyou?’”
“Seriously?” Su-Lin says, a horrified look on her face.
“Yeah. But, I mean, she probably had a point. She shouldn’t have cheated on me, but it’s not totally her fault if I couldn’t—”
“Stop,” Su-Lin says firmly, her dark eyes locked on mine. She takes a deep breath. “Okay, I’m going to say something, and I hope you’re not mad at me for it, but I need to say it anyway.”
“Is it something bad about Candace? Because I can’t imagine being mad at you for that.”
Su-Lin props herself up. “I think Candace was abusive to you.”
I shake my head. “No. I mean, it was bad, but—”
“I think,” she says, biting her lip, “I think it was bad because it was emotional abuse. She was keeping you right where she wanted you, desperate and lonely. And yeah, maybe you didn’t always handle that well, but it’s because you were being deprived of basic things. Love. Security. Safety.”
My mouth goes dry.That doesn’t sound wrong, and now that I think about it— “My therapist said something like that, once. But I told her it wasn’t true.”
Su-Lin presses her forehead to mine. “I believe you when you say you’ll never be like that with me. Not like you were with her. It’s partly because I think you’re a different person now, but it’s partly because I’m never going to do that to you. So whatever Candace said about who you are, it doesn’t apply with me, okay? You are good and strong and amazing and I love you. I can’t imaginenotbeing satisfied by you. Okay?”
My eyes are stinging, and I lean up and kiss her. “Okay,” I say when we stop, and I let out a sigh. “I told you that I wasn’t sure that I’d been in love with Candace. And I don’t know, maybe I was. But even if so, it was a sick, toxic love. And what I feel for you . . . it’s different. I know it is because if you had really been into Warren, I would have let you go. It would have completely broken my heart, but what I really want is for you to be happy.”
Su-Lin snuggles up against me again. “I am happy.The most happy I’ve ever been.”
I believe her, because I feel the same way. But there’s still this whisper in the back of my mind that she might not always be. I can say the word “girlfriend,” but there are other words. “I know someday you’re going to want more. More than being my girlfriend, I mean.”
She reaches for my hand and squeezes. “You don’t have to—”
I do. I need her to know. “I want that. I want all of that with you. I don’t know when—or god, evenifI’ll be able to do that, for sure. But you need to know that when it comes to you and me, I’m in this for the rest of my life. I want to be with you, for always.”
Su-Lin squeezes me so tight I can’t breathe, but right now breathing feels highly overrated. “That’s all I’ve wanted pretty much since the day I met you,” she says.
“Me too.”
Su-Lin giggles again. “I think I have a name for it.”
Oh, god. “Okaaaaaaay.”
“Big Gulp.” She dissolves, and I laugh along with her.
I’m not going to argue with that.
Twenty-Eight
Su-Lin
We ended up deciding to book an extra night in the hotel. Partly because we slept in right up to check-out time, but mainly because neither of us had any inclination to leave that bed.There wasn’t any panic, any pretending—just us tangled up together and happy and ordering room service for breakfast and then having more sex.
So maybe the movies didn’t totally mislead me, after all.
We did manage to get some actual work done. Following the official launch, the views on the first eps were huge and just keep trending up. We picked through the advertisers practically shoving fistfuls of cash at us, approved some awesome social media ideas Emily had come up with and emailed at four AM (apparently from Jason’s hotel room, her creativity stoked by all kinds of climbing, the email implied—so I guessthatwent well). People love the show.They love us. Everything is brighter and better than we could have imagined.
We celebrated with more sex—having Brendan as my boyfriend isawesome—and finally made it down to the convention hall to help Emily pack up the booth in the late afternoon. Jason and his guys were busy dismantling his climbing wall, but I was happy to see him stop by long enough to circle his arms around Emily’s waist and give her a kiss with enough heat to challenge Brendan and me for hottest couple on the con cleanup floor.
I’m pretty sure we won that award in the end, though.
But there’s still another slight hurdle. And now, as I’m back home, standing in the kitchen and seeing Brendan’s car pull up in the driveway, I feel that itch of nervousness under my skin. It’s nothing compared to what he’s feeling, I’m sure.
