The truth is, I don’t care if there’s a bunch of guys who want to sleep with me. I only want one particular guy, and for him to want me the way I want him. Always and forever, and over and over and over.
“Thanks,” I say, because I know she’s trying to help. But she can’t change who I am or what Brendan feels (or doesn’t) for me. “I need to get going, I’ve got to check with Kira on the launch and—”
“Su-Lin.”
I stand up. “It’s okay. I’m going to be fine. I’m Su-Lin. I’m just—I’m excited about the launch, and it’s going to be great.”
Peppy and happy and smiley.That’s what I need to be.That’s what I am.
And when Brendan finally gets the courage to tell me he doesn’t want to do this anymore, if that’s really what’s going on here, then that’s what I’ll be then, too. I owe it to him. He’s my friend, first and foremost, and it’s not his fault if he doesn’t feel the same for me. It’s probably killing him, thinking of how to tell me. He doesn’t need to add guilt to everything he already has to deal with.
I ignore Emily’s concerned expression and straighten my shoulders. I can do this. I can be happy Su-Lin, for myself, and for our show, and especially for him.
Eighteen
Brendan
I’m afraid I’m going to have a series of panic attacks as we get ready for the launch, but instead I settle into ambient anxiety. I don’t want to burden Su-Lin with this while we’re getting ready for the launch, so I avoid her for most of the morning, which isn’t hard because we’re running around like crazy getting everything ready. Su-Lin seems even more Su-Lin-like than normal, spending most of her time talking to fans and organizers in sentences that could only be punctuated with exclamation points. It’s sort of like when she’s had two Big Gulps right in a row, but I’m pretty sure she’s been too busy to hit the 7-Eleven.
I know it’s my fault that we haven’t talked about last night, but it still stings that she hasn’t brought it up. I get that we’re doing the casual thing, but I told her last night it didn’t feel casual to me, and unless she was way more drunk than I thought, she should remember that.
It’s my fault.Icould have brought it up. I still could, but even as the panic from this morning is wearing off, the knowledge that I’m about to be on stage in front of a thousand people is setting in. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get up there and pretend that I belong, even though she’s the YouTube sensation, and nobody knows me from Adam.This, on top of this morning’s residual jitters, ensures that the last thing in the world I want to be doing is talking to anybody, so I mostly stick with my job.
Su-Lin is the people person. I handle the tech.The tech doesn’t ask awkward questions.The tech doesn’t get offended.The tech doesn’t get its feelings hurt, except for the Apple computer that I try to connect to the generic projector, which insists that talking to such a plebeian device is beneath it. I eventually coax it into connecting anyway.
Before I’m ready, and just after I realized I haven’t had anything to eat today besides a piece of Gudetama toast, we are up on stage and Su-Lin is working the crowd, smiling and waving and introducing me with such excitement that you’d think I was one of the Jonas Brothers.
I try to smile, but I’m afraid it comes out more as a grimace. Su-Lin arranged for her friend Perry to interview us, and soon we’re answering questions about the differences in the reboot, the nuances of our partnership, and the return of iconicSockwivescharacters Ruby andTerrence Clarence, as well as the imminent appearance of our new puppet Shuby.
“Rather than tell you about Shuby, why don’t we show you?” Su-Lin says.Then our show is playing, starting with the opening bit by Ruby andTerrence Clarence, which is set up like an SNL host speech. Ruby andTerrence begin by debating about their favoriteTV shows, withTerrence favoring the infamousSocktor Whoand Ruby preferring the more high-browSocks and the City.The audience laughs, and I grab Su-Lin’s hand, glad that at least they aren’t all sitting there in silence.
She doesn’t look at me, but she does squeeze back.Touching her again quiets the anxiety, grounding me. I don’t want to worry about whether or not it’s casual right now—I just need to be touching her.
The Ruby andTerrence bit cuts directly into our first episode ofSock and Order, the only show that both Ruby andTerrence Clarence could agree on. In the background we have a sock behind a shoebox that we’ve taped together to resemble a judge’s bench. Behind the prosecutor’s desk—another shoe box—sits Reginald Watsonberg, rainmaking lawyer, sexy star, and Ruby’s main reason to watch.The defendant is my invention, Barry Blowright, the welding glove who is on trial for sexual harassment after being too handsy with his employees.
This gets a laugh, and I grin. Anxiety aside, it’s pretty awesome to be able to share this after four months of wondering if anyone could ever love it but us.
AfterSock and Order, we cut back to Ruby andTerrence, who suddenly find themselves face to face with the real Socktor, who emerges from—of course—a shoe box that’s bigger on the inside. I got to use my editing skills on that one, and I’m proud of the results.The Socktor brings along his companion—Shuby, a sock with a frizzy, crazy version of Ruby’s hair, and her eyes positioned too close together. When Su-Lin first made her, I was the one who suggested she looked like she wanted to be Ruby, and we brainstormed late into the night, until we were both rolling on the floor from exhaustion and laughter.
Shuby immediately becomes enamored ofTerrence Clarence, and decides to stay instead of leaving with the Socktor—and the Socktor is eager to be rid of her. And thus begins Ruby andTerrence’s journey into being sucked inside all their favoriteTV shows, giving us the creative freedom to tell lots of stories, and not just ones suitable to the originalSockwivesconcept.
When the episode ends, the crowd cheers. Su-Lin lets go of my hand and my head feels light. While she walks to the front of the stage to answer more questions, I take deep breaths and try to soak in the excitement of the crowd.
We did it. We debuted our first episode, and even if it doesn’t end up taking off like Su-Lin’s first series, the crowd didn’t boo us off the stage or groan through the entire episode.
This, I feel, is success.
Su-Lin is bouncing up and down like someone slipped her some uppers—a fear of hers, as she’s known a lot of people who desperately want to see how hilarious she would be while high—and cheerfully answering questions from the crowd about what made her decide to return to theSockwives, and why she’s branching out. On panels, she’s usually bounced some questions back to me, but this time she’s fielding them all herself, and I wonder if she’s worried about overwhelming me.
Except she’s not looking back at me, not appraising my mental state, like she does so often when we’re out in public.
A stone settles in my gut.
Something’s wrong.
I move closer to her on the stage, just as Su-Lin picks another audience member for a question.The con staff pass the woman a mic, and she looks right at me. “This question is for Brendan,” she says, and a chill passes through me at realizing there are now thousands of people I’ve never met who all know my name. “What was it like working in theSockwivesworld with Su-Lin?”
Su-Lin looks back at me, and I swear she looks a little scared. I shove aside my worries about her. We can’t deal with those while we’re up on stage, anyway. I take the mic from Su-Lin, and the crowd quiets.
