“Great.” I force a big smile. Do I normally smile this big? What is my normal smile even like? For all that I do it, I can’t seem to remember now. “I’ll text you if Kira says she needs anything. But I’m sure it’ll be great. Yay launch day!” I sound like the world’s most pathetic cheerleader.
I am an idiot. Brendan smiles, but he looks a little dazed. And confused. (Isn’t that a movie? About people who are stoned? He doesn’t look stoned. Just dazed and confused.)
Then I grab my messenger bag and all but run from the room.
I barely register my flight from the hotel to the convention center, or weaving through the early but already substantial crowds at the exhibition hall—except the several times I inadvertently smack someone with my bag and the one time I run into a display banner and nearly end up wrapped in PewDiePie’s giant vinyl face.
Pull it together, Su-Lin.
Thankfully, there’s not much action happening at our booth currently—not from the fans, anyway.Tate and Emily are there, chairs scooted so close together she might as well be in his lap. He’s showing her something on his phone and she’s laughing, and then he leans in to nibble on her earlobe, and I’m just standing there staring like I’ve never seen two young, attractive people be so into each other.
I wanted the two of them together. So why does seeing it make me feel scraped dry, like the last tiny remnants of freezer-burned ice cream?
Tate notices me first, and his happy expression drops. “Hey, Cuz. What’s wrong?” His brows draw together. “Did my mom call you? Because I told her the last thing you need is to be reminded that your big launch day is on the fourth—”
Emily elbows him, cutting him off. Clearly guessing that a call from Aunt Alice is not my problem.
Though now maybe it is.
Shit. Itisthe fourth. I’m not superstitious, but four is a pretty bad number for Chinese people.The word in Mandarin sounds just like the word for death, and no one schedules weddings or any big events on that day.
Like a big launch for your new series. Or maybe sleeping for the first time with the best friend you’re totally in love with.
No. A stupid number isn’t to blame. I am.
“I’m great,” I say, shaking my head. Maybe too much. “I’m . . . the launch is going to be great. Great.”
Smooth. All it was lacking was a few more “great”s.
Something passes wordlessly between them, andTate jumps to his feet. “I’ll go get us some booth food. We’ll need the sustenance to deal with the post-launch crowds dying for t-shirts.” He slings an arm around me and plants a kiss on the top of my head. “You’ve got this, Cuz.”
Then he takes off. Emily slides his chair toward me, raising her eyebrows. I sit down tentatively on the very edge of the chair. I still feel like I might break.
“So things are still going well withTate?” I ask, even though I know my false cheer isn’t fooling her for a second.
“Yeah,” she says, still watching me carefully.
“Jason said you told himTate wasn’t your boyfriend.” I don’t know why I feel the need to say this like an accusation, and I feel bad when Emily flinches.
“He’s not,” she says, after a few seconds. “But this morning he said he wants to be.”
“That’s fantastic.” I’m even able to churn up the slightest amount of genuine happiness. “That’s really . . .”
“Great?” She gives me a look, and I sigh. “Okay, Su-Lin. What’s happening?This isn’t about the launch.”
“No.” I toy with one of my braids. “It’s about me and Brendan. And what we did last night.”
Her eyes widen. “Did you guys finally have sex?”
My cheeks burn. “Um. Sort of.”
“Sort of? How do you ‘sort of’ have sex?”
I shrug. “We were staying in for the night, you know, and we had a little bit to drink and we . . .” I draw in a breath. I tell pretty explicit sex jokes all the time. I should have the words for this without dying of embarrassment. “He went down on me, and then I, well—returned the favor. So, yeah. Sort of.”
She gapes. “That’s—why do you look so miserable?That’s what you wanted, right? He didn’t pressure you into—”
“God, no! I mean, yes.That’s what I wanted. If anything, I pressured him. I’m the one that—” Now my eyes are starting to burn. No, I am not going to cry. I am not going to—
