Iexpect her to pull back, but she doesn’t, she keeps going until my body relaxes, and as she crawls up next to me, she doesn’t even seem like she minded. I guide her against me, my body still coming down, settling into a tired, satisfied weakness. I feel eerily floaty, like I’m dreaming, though I’ve dreamed this night a hundred times and never did it feelthiswonderful, this pure and right and good.
I can’t believe it’s real. “Su-Linisunpredictable,” I whisper.
She snuggles close to me, like she’s still enjoying the press of our skin. I definitely am. “Even to you?” she asks.
I smile, running my hand down her cheek. It’s such a thrill just to touch her, even after all of that. “Especially to me.”
His naked body presses against mine, our heads resting together on the pillow. And though we didn’t have, like, actual intercourse, I feel so warm and utterly satisfied and still somehow tingly and perfectly drowsy. It feels good, so good, to know that even with as much as he knows me, better than anyone ever has or probably ever will, I can still surprise him sometimes. Because he can clearly still surprise me. God, I hope this surprise is something we can do over and over and over again.
She pulls the covers over us, wrapping me safely up in her, a physical extension of the haven she’s been for me since we met. I don’t know what magic this is, what other-worldly force has brought us together, allowed me this little slice of perfection.
All I know is, I never want it to end.
We fall asleep like that, together, and the last thought I have is that I’m pretty sure I’ve never been so happy in my life.
Sixteen
Brendan
Iwake up feeling warm and safe. I know I’ve been dreaming, though the details are fading fast, and I keep my eyes closed, hoping to shift back into unconsciousness. I roll over—and my ankle brushes Su-Lin’s under the covers.
My eyes pop open. She’s here, her shiny black hair spilling over my pillow, the smooth curve of her bare shoulder visible even burrowed as she is beneath the comforter. It isn’t a dream, though it feels like one.
Last night.The snap of her bra catch releasing, the smooth glide of her skin against my bare chest. Her body shuddering. Her mouth, warm and wet, and the delicious things she did with her tongue.
My body is reacting to the memory, and I long to curl up next to her, hold her while she wakes. Not just because I want more, though I do. I long to make love to her for real, but even if she wanted to, I don’t have a condom, which feels like more of a problem than it did last night.
Still, here in the morning, with only the faintest bit of headache, I think about all the things I could do next. Hold her until she drifts awake, kiss her neck, tell her how very much I love her. Make sure she knows how safe I feel with her, how I trust her more than any other person, more than I ever thought I could trust again.
Su-Lin shifts in her sleep, her legs stretching out, and I almost take her in my arms. But the soft, dreamy quality of sleep is leaving me, and slowly, inevitably, my chest is seizing, my muscles squeezing in like an iron vise, pushing the air out of me.Things Candace told me are whispering to me like ghosts from the shadows; all the ways I failed her sexually, and her final, disgusted word on the subject: “Come on, Brendan. You didn’t think I could be satisfied with justyou.” And yeah, I know Candace was cruel, and she was saying that to justify her cheating, but the way she so rarely really wanted me spoke to the truth underneath it. I’d always thought it was mismatched sex drives, but apparently she and John went at it like rabbits.
Last night, Su-Linwantedme, and I can’t bear to watch that desire fade into disinterest, or worse, disappointment and disgust. Not from her.
I’m not ready. I love Su-Lin more than anything, would do anything to protect her. But I know from past experience that if I allow myself to be that close to her, I’ll love too much. She’s beautiful and fun and the most deeply good person I know, but she could one day want different things.The idea of losing her makes my heart thump awkwardly, a tight cramp cutting through me from armpit to sternum.
I lie perfectly still. I’m just inches away, and I can feel her warmth on my sheets, inviting me to pull closer.
I want to.
I can’t breathe; I can’t move; I can’t think. I can’t be this in love with her, because I know exactly where that road leads. Candace made it very clear what a lousy husband I was. Our relationship was like the rock wall Su-Lin climbed yesterday, so steep and sheer that the many times I fell were inevitable. I almost didn’t survive the final slip, where I fell all the way to the bottom, landing like Jason, with a sickening smack.
I can’t go through that again.
With Su-Lin, it would be a million times worse.
When I’m sure I can stand without passing out, I slip out of bed, careful not to disturb her. I slide on my boxers, which I find tangled with her bra. I collect the rest of our clothes, arranging hers in a pile next to her on the bed so she won’t have to search for them, and slip into the bathroom to put on mine.Then I grab some of the leftover bread from the party and pop in a few pieces of toast. Part of me wishes I had a bigger kitchenette and supplies to make her a real breakfast, but the other part is glad I don’t.That would be too much.Too special.
We have to keep this casual. It’s too much, too fast, and while most of me hates myself for that, the other part—the panicking part—is so vocal that it always gets its way, and I hate myself for that, too.
I sit in the chair beside the table, watching Su-Lin smile in her sleep. I want to be with her so bad it physically hurts. I want to wake up with her every morning.
But not likethis. God, what was I thinking? We had a plan. We were going to ease into it. We were going to wait until I could give her more, give her all of me, if she still wants it by the time I unpack all my baggage.
I know what I was thinking. I was thinking that I’ve been fantasizing about her for four months, and there she was, touching me, wanting me, telling me that she was ready for this. Su-Lin has made it clear she’s no saint, but I do know that sex means something to her. I know she’s had boyfriends in the past who broke up with her for not being ready fast enough, so the fact that she wanted to do this with me—
I was right last night. It didn’t feel casual, because it’s not. My throat closes, and I hunch down in my chair and wish I could disappear, be someone else, someone who could function like a normal human being. A normal human being who just made love to his best friend who he’s desperately in love with and should damn well be happy about it in the morning.
I squeeze my eyes shut.That’s the problem.That’s why I did this. It’s because I thought I’d be okay in the morning. I thought the catharsis of finally being able to be with her would quiet the voices, would help me be ready for more.
