Of course, in his bed. Like, he’s not going to do this on the table up against the toaster.
Focus, Su-Lin.
But the idea of us banging away on the table, and then toast popping up at exactly the right moment, makes me start to giggle, just as we drop down onto his bed, the soft bedding puffing up around us. He pulls back and grins at me; even though Brendan can read my mind about Daveed Diggs, there’s no way he’s guessing this one.
Now I’m just giggling with the pent-up thrill of this, of us. I pull him down by his shirt so he’s kissing me again. Because god, I never, never want to stop.
Su-Lin bursts into giggles. I’ve practically finished my doctorate in Su-Lin giggles—the nervous, the uncomfortable, the mocking, the random, the joyous, the tickled, the gleeful.This is none of those—it’s her rarest giggle, the one reserved for things that truly, miraculously astound her, like Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf.
“Ding,” she says. And while I’m kind of incredulous that she’s thinking of the damn toaster right now, I grin like an idiot because this, random noises and all, is the most singularly exultant moment of my entire miserable life. I’ve never experienced anything like this before, the heady rush of being here with her—even still fully clothed—the thick anticipation of all that might come next. Su-Lin’s always had this glowing effect on me, engulfing me in her brilliant, beautiful aura and making me feel so much better than I am. Lying here with her, carrying her in my arms while she’s pressed against me—it makes me feel sexy, powerful, special, safe, triumphant,wantedin a way I’ve never felt in all my life.The combination, far more than the liquor, is intoxicating.
I’ve always thought I’d have sex for the first time with someone I was in love with—I know that’s not important to everyone, and I’ve certainly thought about abandoning that goal a time or two.
I definitelyloveBrendan, my DIP, more than anyone else. He’s the most important person in my life. And I definitely have a massive, desperate crush on him.
Butinlove with him?
I mean, sure, he’s crazy hot. And that smile still makes me swoon, even after months of seeing it a lot. He makes me laugh like no one else can, and he makes me feel like I can be myself, truly me, in a way no one else does. I want to be touching him all the time, even if it’s just, like, leaning against his arm, or nudging him with my shoulder. I want to benearhim all the time, having him there, his presence like a warm, safe hug even when his arms aren’t around me. And when his armsarearound me, the way my body heats up, the way I ache for him . . .
So yeah, I’m definitely totally in love with him, but not—
Wait, what?
Su-Lin grabs me by the collar and pulls me down on top of her and kisses me with such force that I’m lost to the sweet bliss of everythingher. I forget to be self-conscious of how aggressive I can be, and my hands reach up her shirt, unhitching her bra. I almost laugh, imagining the coconuts again, but we’re both pulling off our shirts fast—so fast I think she must want me as desperately as I do her, which is a feat.
I cup her breast with one hand, holding off on pressing my mouth to her chest. I like that a bit too much—as my ex told me many times—and I don’t want her to think I’m some kind of perv, vodka or otherwise. Her hands are working up my back, and as good as that’s felt before, this time my skin is erupting in flames. I kiss her throat, running my fingers over her nipple, feeling electric currents passing from her breast to my hand and running frantically up and down my arm.
There was an important insight there, but my thoughts are scattered apart by the sensation of his mouth working at the hollow of my throat, of the smooth skin of his back under my hands, the lean muscles of his chest pressed against mine, the glorious feeling of his thumb passing over my nipple, hand gently stroking my coconut—um, boob.
I’ve done this much before with a couple guys, but that’s about where it stopped. And it never, never felt like this.
Now he’s kissing downward, his tongue on my breasts, and that feels even better. Maybe I should be doing more than gripping his back and moaning, but I don’t feel capable of much more. Until I do.
Ilove her so much. More than I knew it was possible for any person to love another. I finally allow myself to lower my tongue onto her breasts, and she moans, digging her fingers deliciously into my back. She likes it, god, she likes it, and I run my tongue in circles around the edges of her nipples, feeling good and free andwantedin a way I never have.
Then she’s unbuttoning my jeans, and if I thought my engine was revving before, it’s nothing compared to the body rush now. I help her take them off, shivering at the desire in her eyes as she looks me over. We both reach for her pants, and she slides her underwear off with them and then she’s lying naked beneath me and the body rush intensifies even more. My cheeks are burning, and I let my eyes slide over her body, drinking her in.
Su-Lin. I’m about to make love to my Su-Lin, the girl who has a hold on my heart that not even Candace ever had claim to.The woman who provides me a safe space, where I feel happy and loved, even when all I can offer her in return is laughter and friendship and the terror and panic that so often consumes me.
I can be different with her. I can be the person I want to be, love her the way she deserves to be loved. God, if it takes me the rest of my life, I’m going to learn how to do this. I only hope I can learn it before it’s too late.
The ache is so strong, so overpowering, and oh my god, there’s Brendan in his underwear. And then I’m totally naked, which probably should feel super terrifying, but his cheeks are flushed a pink that nearly matches his hair, and he gives me this soft smile that melts me.
He starts kissing me again, our bodies pressed together, only this thin layer of his cotton boxers separating us—damn it, why are those still on? And his hands are wandering, and my hands are wandering, and I’m just about to reach right into those boxers, when he starts moving downward again, trailing kisses down my chest, along my stomach, and down and down and—
Every trace of panic is gone now. I press my body to hers, kissing her, hoping she feels the love and passion and commitment I feel for her, even though I can’t say the words.There’s only my boxers between us, and I want to be inside her—god, we’ll get some Plan B tomorrow please let me be inside her—but I wrest control over myself again as I slide my mouth down her body. She tastes like salt and anticipation, and beneath her soft skin, her muscles are tensing, waiting. I work my way down past her pubic hair—she hasn’t shaved, but hell if I care—and brush my tongue so softly against her.
OH. MY. GOD.
It’s not like I’ve never played around down there myself, but neither my hands or any vibrator the internet has to offer compares to that first single flick of his tongue, which sends a jolt of pure electricity through me. I gasp and arch, and he pulls back for a second like he’s checking to see if I’m okay, and I have to fight to keep from shoving his face forcibly back in my crotch.
Whatever he sees in my face must convince him, though, because he goes back in himself, his hands caressing my inner thighs, his mouth and tongue everywhere between, doing things that pull more gasps from me, make my vision spark at the edges.The electricity builds and builds, and my hands are tight in the curls of his hair, and I can’t breathe around the sheer, climbing, glorious ache, and I want to say his name right now, because he’s all I can think about, all I ever want to think about, and—
She lets out a gasp that startles me into looking up, afraid that I’ve pushed her too far. But her head is thrown back in ecstasy, her knees fallen to the sides, inviting and open. I smile and work her up with my mouth, then slide my fingers inside her, massaging the upper part of her vaginal wall. Su-Lin gasps and groans, and the sounds are so delicious I can hardly stand it—I’m fully at attention and have never been harder. Suddenly she’s holding her breath, and I focus, bringing her through.
I’m blinded as the electricity, that amazing surge of bliss, peaks. My whole body shudders in his hands, my limbs suddenly robbed of all muscle, all ability to move, and I start to laugh, incredulously, with the sheer happiness of it.
She laughs—her joyous, happy laugh—as her body collapses, and I smile and watch her. She makes me feel so strong, like a man, something I can’t remember ever feeling so deeply.
