This is good. I’m having a conversation and not having a panic attack, even during an overwhelming convention full of strangers. I’m jittery, but I’m not having chest pain and I can breathe just fine.
I’m doing this.
I smile over at Su-Lin, but she seems to have something stuck in her nails and doesn’t notice.
“Do you have any sock characters?” Jane asks.
“Yeah,” I say. “I’m also playing Shuby. She’s new, but you can see her at our booth in—”
“Oh my god, yes. Emily was telling me she’s going afterTerrence Clarence! I can’t wait to see how Ruby will handle someone trying to steal her man.”
Over on the bed, I hear Su-Lin mutter something. I look back at her, but she’s still studying her nails. I open my mouth, then close it again.
Did I say something wrong? I was just talking about the show, which, yeah, some of those details aren’t public, but I didn’t think we were keeping the welding glove or the Shuby character a secret. Emily’s clearly been telling people about it, which I thought was fine.
“I’m going to get a drink,” Jane says and moves over to the table to pour herself a lemonade.
I sigh, more relieved now than I was when the joke went well. It went fine, didn’t it? It’s a sad comment on the state of my life when I’m proud I can converse with a woman. But hey, it’s a step.
I move over to Su-Lin on the bed. “Hey, did I do something wrong? I thought we were talking about the new characters, but if I’m not supposed to—”
Su-Lin smiles at me, but it’s fake again. “No, it’s fine. Were you enjoying talking to Jane?”
Enjoying might be overstating it. “Did you see me? Not bad, huh?”
“Yeah, I saw.” She sounds happy, but there’s an undertone to it.
I lower my voice. “Are you okay?” I know watching her dance with that other guy made me a little crazy, and I imagine that cuts both ways, even if, ultimately, Su-Lin thinks this is a good idea. “Because I don’t have to talk to her again—”
“No!” Su-Lin says. “No, it’s fine.” She puts her hand on my arm, and I want to just wrap my arms around her and tell her that I hate this, that we should figure out some other way to be together.
Except there isn’t another way, is there? I have no right to ask her for monogamy, and she shouldn’t give it to me, not when I can’t even say . . . that word. Not when I’m still not sure if I’m going to be able to handle this without turning into someone she doesn’t even recognize.
The room is filling up, and several more enthusiastic con-goers bounce up to Su-Lin and congratulate her on the debut of the new series. Su-Lin introduces me to a couple dozen people, none of whose names I remember. It’s another hour before I get a chance to talk to Su-Lin again without other people actively listening.
I know she’s not the one I’m supposed to be spending time alone with, but my clinginess gets the best of me. I bring her a drink—she’s been playing hostess too well to get her own—and stand close to her. “We okay?” I ask.
Su-Lin waves a finger in the air. “We are fine. You, however, are not doing your part in finding another girl to hang out with.”
I look around. Jane is still here, but she’s across the room sitting on Jason’s lap while he tells some loud story about climbing suspension bridge cables, possibly illegally. I catch sight of Emily giving them a look that I could swear is jealousy, but she andTate are cuddled up on the other bed, their backs propped against the wall and their legs extended and twined together.
Jason glances over at them, and his expression darkens, just for a second. I hope Su-Lin hasn’t seen this, because she will not be pleased.
“Did you have anyone in mind?” I ask.
Su-Lin is glaring daggers at Jason—okay, so she noticed. But she tears her eyes away from him and casts about the room, finally coming to rest on a girl in the corner, nibbling on pretzels. “What about Maren?” she asks. “I just met her tonight, but she seems nice.”
I consider while trying not to look like I’m checking her out. She’s cute, I guess, but in a quiet way. I decide I could honestly express interest in having a conversation with her, which is all I’m expected to do.
Right?
“Yeah, sure,” I say. “What should I say to her?”
“Nothing.” Su-Lin grins wickedly and then commands the attention of the room. “Okay, everybody!” she says to the nearly three dozen people who are standing around or lounging on the beds or couch. “We’re going to playTwister, so clear the floor.”
Some people promptly vacate the room, and I want to flee along with them. “Who wants in?” Su-Lin asks, grabbing the spinner in both hands. “Emily,Tate, you guys are in, right?”
Tate gives Su-Lin a skeptical look, and Emily shrugs. “I’ll play,” she says.
