I look over to Brendan.The song has ended and a slower song has started up, and the two of them are still dancing—and it’s this amazing song he loves (and introduced me to) about zombies that shouldn’t be something one could slow dance to, but totally is. I want to be there with him, singing along with the lyrics and laughing.
But he’s dancing with someone else. Because of the Plan, I remind myself.
It’s still not easy to see his arm around her waist like it was around mine at the wedding. My throat is dry, despite the three mocktails. “Yeah, no,” I say, “That’s Brendan Pike. He’s my business partner. He does the video editing too, which is what I first hired him for. He’s great. But we’re not—we’re just friends.”
“Okay, awesome,” Warren says with a laugh. “So I know a lot about Brendan, but I haven’t caught your name yet.”
I cringe. When did I get so bad at this? Apparently I’m the one who needs coaching.
“God, I’m sorry. Su-Lin,” I say.
“Well, Su-Lin, would you like to dance? And then I clearly need to hear all about this show.”
I smile. “Yes. Clearly.”
He grins again and takes my hand, putting his arm around my waist—apparently he knows how to actually dance, like Brendan, not just doing the side-to-side sway. And though I know I’m supposed to be dancing—like Brendan and this girl are, so close together—I find I don’t want to, like it hurts my heart somehow.
It takes me a couple steps to identify why. It’s because of how it felt dancing like this with Brendan, both in the studio and then at Mei-Ling’s wedding—how it felt to be pressed up against him, trusting him to guide me, feeling his heartbeat against me.
I think of dinner last night, my head on Brendan’s shoulder as he confessed the fear he’d had about always being alone, my heart breaking for him. He’s Brendan, the guy who makes me laugh like no one else, who surprises me with a Gudetama toaster (seriously! A toaster! WithGudetama! Who else would think of doing that for me?)The guy who thinks of me as a bright beam of light and doesn’t realize how much of that light is just from being around him. My DIP.
I wanted so badly to tell him that he doesn’t have to be afraid of being alone, not anymore.That I want to be there for him—to bewithhim—always.That even though he’s only been in my life for four months, I can’t imagine my life anymore without him.
But that’s the opposite of casual. God, that would probably scare off a guy who didn’t have severe relationship anxiety.
“I’m sorry.” I pull back, too uncomfortable to keep going. “I’m the worst at dancing.”
“Really?” Warren looks surprised. “You were doing great.”
“Thanks, but I—it’s just super embarrassing for me. Honestly, the only dance I can do with any real confidence is the chicken dance. I rock at that.”
Warren raises his eyebrows, then drops his grip on me. I think I’m about to get ditched, but he raises his hands and starts making the chicken dance motions to the beat of this slow jam, with a big smile on his face. “Show me what you’ve got.”
Now my laugh is real. Okay, if I have to dance with someone who’s not Brendan, at least this guy seems fun. “You’re on,” I say, and chicken dance right along with him.
Six
Brendan
This girl Katrina is pretty cool.Turns out she’s a fan, so as we dance, she’s asking me a million questions about our show and my partnership with Su-Lin. I have answers for these things, so I’m filling her in about our new character Shuby, who is a total wannabe Ruby and drives Ruby up the wall by copying her every move. I’m kind of proud of how well I’m carrying on this conversation. I’m handling this crowd of people. I am not having an anxiety meltdown. I’ve got this.
Then I spot Su-Lin across the dance floor. She’s not hard to spot—her fluffy black-and-white dress makes her seem like she’s floating on a cloud, and just looking at her gives me that same kind of floaty feeling.
Then I plummet back to earth, because I see what she’s doing.
The chicken dance.
To Jonathan Coulton’s “Re: Your Brains.”
With some blond guy.
Some blond guy who is not me.
I mean, I knew she was going to dance with people who were not me. But I expected normal dancing, like I’m doing with Katrina. Her arms are around my waist, but we’re mostly talking about Shuby’s raging crush on Ruby’s main man from the originalSockwives,Terrence Clarence.
Um, except we’re not talking now. Because I have lost control of my eyes and can’t seem to stop staring at Su-Lin and have simultaneously lost all powers of conversation.
I was saying something. What was I saying?
