“So,” I say. “If we’re casually dating . . . do you want to go out with me tonight?”
Su-Lin beams up at me. “Really? Like on a real date?”
I should have done this days ago, but I’ve been . . . distracted. “Yeah. Like a real date.”
Her face falls. “Oh. But I was talking to Emily, and she made a really good point.”
My stomach drops. A good point that means she won’t go out with me. I mean, yeah, this plan is crazy, and probably not fair to her, and—
“She said that if we act like a couple in public, it’s going to make it hard to see other people. At the con, I mean. Because people will assume that we’re, like . . .”
She doesn’t say the words, but I get it.
“Okay,” I say. “But we do get to date each other, too, don’t we? ‘Cause that’s kind of the point.”
“Absolutely! But maybe we should make some rules about when and where. And how much.”
That makes sense and is way less bad than what I was thinking. “Yeah, sure. But the con doesn’t start until tomorrow.There’s no official events tonight, which is where we’re going to meet people, right? So we could go out tonight, maybe somewhere away from the con?”
Su-Lin nods. “Good plan. And when we’re not on official dates . . . maybe we shouldn’t, like, kiss and stuff.”
She doesn’t sound any more thrilled about that than I am, which shouldn’t make me happy, but does. “Yeah,” I say reluctantly. “I guess that makes sense. So then after tonight, maybe we get, like, one more date?” I want to suggest more, but the con is only four days, and if the plan is to be casual . . .
Su-Lin nods against my chest. “That seems reasonable, yeah? I mean, we want to take advantage of the con events to see other people, right?”
“Right,” I say. Except I don’t. I want to spend my time cuddled up with her every night.
If only I could be sure I could do that without turning into the needy, desperate person I was with Candace. If only I could say the world “girlfriend” without having a panic attack.
If only I could be the person Su-Lin deserves.
Icheck out a local map on the internet and find a fondue place a couple miles away.
We hold hands on our way into the restaurant and sit on the same side of the booth with her tucked up against me and our arms around each other. We laugh and cuddle and feed each other fruit dipped in chocolate and probably appear like we’re a committed couple who are deeply in love.
My heart feels as heavy as a stone.I’mdeeply in love, but I’m not sure how long she’s going to want to do this casual thing, and I have no idea when I’ll be able to give her anything more than this.
“So,” Su-Lin says, dipping a piece of bread into a dish of cheese with a flame beneath it. “Are you looking forward to finding other girls to date?”
She says this casually, but the question feels loaded. “Um, no.That sounds miserable. Besides, I thoughtyouwere going to find me other girls to date.”
She looks up at me. “You wantmeto pick?”
I hadn’t thought much about it, but the idea of pointing out to Su-Lin exactly which girls at any given event I find the most attractive feels like the sort of thing that may backfire. It sure as hell would have with Candace.
“Yeah,” I say. “I mean, I’m going to retain veto power, definitely, but I think that would be better.”
“Really,” she says.
I smile at her. “Come on.Tell me you want me to tell you which other girls I think are attractive. Because that’s totally something you do with people you’re casually dating.”
“You don’t usually let them pick your other dating partners either,” Su-Lin says. “But okay. If you trust me.” She gives me a devilish grin.Then she waves her tongs at me. “But I’m picking my own dates. No way do I trust you with that.”
That’s fine by me, but I put a hand to my chest, as if she’s wounded me. “You don’t trust me?”
“I trust you to do things you think are hilarious. Which would include setting me up with the worst possible people, am I right?”
I laugh. She’s right, out of jealousy as much as for my own amusement. Ireallyhate the idea of her dating anyone else. “Touché.”
