“No.Jason Winslow.”
I squint at her. “The guy who climbs shit?”
She nods. “I think she likes him too, which is a problem, because Jason is totally not right for her, and—what’s that?”
Her eyes have caught on a box on a table across the room, wrapped in shiny silver paper with a bow on top made out of a knotted sock. I put my hands behind my head and shrug innocently. “I don’t know. Maybe you have a secret admirer.”
Su-Lin squeals and skips across the room to the box. Like, she literally skips. I wouldn’t have imagined any girl could make that sexy, but somehow she manages it. Probably it’s her smile. Or the fact that I haven’t been laid in more than three years.
Mostly her smile.
She stands over the package and beams at me. “Can I open it?”
I hold up my hands. “I’m not stopping you.”
She tears open the paper to reveal a box with a coffee maker on the side. She stares at me. “A coffee maker?”
“Don’t ask me! I don’t know anything about it.”
I do, of course, and I’m having a hard time containing my excitement about seeing her face when she figures out what’s really inside the box. Su-Lin slits open the tape on the end and pulls out a toaster, the typical silver kind with two slots in the top. And a loaf of bread.
She smiles. “Nice! I do love my toast in the morning.”
She does, but that’s not the gift.
“Maybe you should make some now. I noticed some butter in the mini fridge. Your secret admirer is prepared.”
She grins and plugs the toaster in behind the table.Then she slips in two slices of bread, depresses the lever, and bounces up and down while she waits.
I press my lips together, trying not to give anything away. Su-Lin looks super excited, which makes all the effort I went to worth it. I knew it would be.
The toast pops up with a resoundingding!, and Su-Lin yanks one out of the toaster, passing it from hand to hand as it burns her fingers. She sets it on the table and stares at it. I bite my lip, waiting.
“Is that . . .” She holds up the toast, now cool enough to touch. “Is that Gudetama?”
It is indeed. Su-Lin has been obsessed with the Sanrio cartoon.There’s an endless product line where the lazy egg grudgingly poses as the Mona Lisa or the guy inThe Scream, or is sadly eaten on various breakfast plates while having a constant existential crisis.
I’m not sure which she likes more, Gudetama himself or the strange fact that he exists. When I found out I could get a toaster that burned images of him onto pieces of toast, I knew this was made for Su-Lin.
She sets down the toast and tackles me. She’s grinning, and that smile is the best thing in the world. “How did you evenfindthat?”
Now that the anticipation is over, I don’t feel the need to pretend it wasn’t me. “The same company will print basically whatever you want. You can send them a selfie and they’ll put your face on toast.Though that might be indicative of some psychological issues.”
Su-Lin laughs and snuggles up against me. My body relaxes in that way it only does when she’s in my arms. It’s not just a Su-Lin smile, it’smySu-Lin smile, the bright, gleeful one that’s specially for me. I’d worried lately it might be only a best friends smile, but in the last two days she’s smiled it at me more beautifully and brightly than ever. I thought I wanted her before, but now the desire haunts my every moment.
This isn’t helped when she scoots closer to me, cuddling up against my side. I put my arm around her and enjoy the warmth of her body against mine. I love it when she’s close to me—probably an unhealthy amount, and if she knew about the thoughts that sometimes run through my mind when she touches me, I’m pretty sure she’d agree.
I want this—I want it so bad it hurts. Not casually, either, but—
My chest tightens. I can’t breathe. I hate my body for doing this to me, for rebelling against the very thing I know I want. But I don’t know how I’m going to handle a relationship, and if it goes like the last time—
I tell myself to relax.Time will help. My therapist would tell me to have empathy with myself, to be patient.
I don’t want to be patient. I want to seize the moment while Su-Lin is still willing to put up with my shit. Which is selfish, because I’m not sure putting up with me will end up being good for her.
I run a hand through her hair, and she basically purrs.
It’s okay. Casual. We can do this.
