I’m going to stop pretending, I tell myself.That’s what’s going to happen.
But before I get on that flight in the morning, there’s something else I need to do. I text Shane and tell him that we need to talk, and that I’m coming over. I don’t know what plans he had for the night, but he doesn’t argue with me, and replies with a simple,K.
I arrive at his place and walk in. I have a key, but I don’t need it. Shane never locks his door. He’s sitting on his couch in a pair of jeans and nothing else, with Cage the Elephant screaming from his stereo. He grabs the remote and turns it down, looking up at me. “What’s up? I’ve got some beer in the fridge, if you need—”
“Maya broke up withTed,” I tell him.
A shadow crosses Shane’s face, and it tells me everything I need to know. Shane’s a good friend. He wallowed with me last night because he knew I needed it. But it was made easier because of how glad he was that Maya and I aren’t a thing. It’s not that Shane doesn’t want me to be happy.
It’s just that he’s scared shitless about what that’s going to mean.
“I can’t do this anymore, man,” I say to him.
“Yeah, no shit,” Shane says back. “Did you tell her you can’t keep Skyping with her all the time? Because it’s ridiculous, the way she’s jerking you around.”
That’s the opposite of what I said, and Shane needs to know it. But first, I want to have one last conversation with my best friend before he tells me to go to hell.
“We hooked up tonight,” I say.
Shane’s eyes widen. “You andMaya? Isn’t she in Denver?”
“Yeah,” I say. “Over the phone.”
“Oh.” Shane runs a hand through his hair, like he’s absorbing this news. I see him trying to spin this some way that he can stomach, like that I’m finally getting her out of my system.
If that crosses his mind, he’s smart enough not to say it.
“She wants to talk in person,” I say. “So I’m flying out to Denver.”
“Okay.” Shane sits up and turns the music off entirely. Every muscle in his body is tense. We’re drawing down to the end now.To the moment where Shane is going to yell at me and tell me what an asshole I am and how he’s better off without me.
He won’t mean it. He’ll only be saying it to make himself feel better. And it won’t work, but he’s going to do it all the same.This is what I’ve been avoiding, I realize. So many years of my life spent trying not to have this conversation.
“And if she’ll give me a chance, I’m going to tell her that I want to move to Denver to be with her.”
Shane glares at his coffee table, which is right now covered in beer cans and take-out wrappers and old copies ofRolling Stone. “Are you serious? You can’t move to Denver. We need you.”
“I know. But I can’t do this anymore.”
Shane rubs his forehead. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this,” he says, and I don’t tell him that I know he can believe it. He’s been afraid of it for months.That’s why he’s always given me such a hard time about Maya.
I don’t want to leave the band. I don’t want to leave JT and Shane. I have no skills and no education and no fucking idea what I’m going to do without my friends.
I love the band. I love the guys.They’ve been my life for so long, but if I don’t make this leap, I know I’m always going to regret it.
“You don’t have to quit,” Shane says. “You could work from Denver. Fly out for gigs.”
I shake my head.This is part of Maya’s objection to dating me, and it always has been. “I know Maya’s not comfortable with the touring, you know? She doesn’t want to live in the spotlight, and she doesn’t want a boyfriend who’s gone all the time.”
“But this isyour life,” Shane says. “You can’t let her change who you are.”
This is honestly longer than I thought Shane would speak to me after what I’ve said, and I press forward cautiously.
“She’s not changing me,” I say. “Or if she is, it’s not because she’s trying.Ineed this.Ineed to be in Denver with her. And yeah, I wish I could have both. I don’t want to quit. But this is what I’ve got to do, Shane. I’m sorry.”
He looks up at me, and where I expect to see anger, I instead find devastation. Shane’s never had anyone but us, but me and JT. A long time ago there was also Mikey, our original drummer, and Anna-Marie. Shane’s dad is an asshole and his mom is a deadbeat and we’re his family.The awesome thing about growing up with Shane was knowing there was nothing I could do that would ever end our friendship.
Nothing except abandon him.
