“I know. And yeah, it sucks. I care about you too. I mean, I’m not in love with you, and I didn’t know if I would get there someday or not.” He gives a little shrug. “But I sure as hell wasn’t in love with someone else while I was dating you.”
This last bit stings, but it’s completely fair. Because that’s definitely what I was doing, even if I had convinced myself otherwise.
“I’m a total ass, and I’m sorry,” I say. I know I’ve apologized several times by now, but those are the only words I seem to be able to say.
“Yeah, me too.” He shifts awkwardly, adjusts his backpack. He gives me another sad smile. “I guess I should go.Take care, Maya.”
“You too,” I say, but he’s already turned away, walking down the hall.
I want to hope he and I can still be friends, but I’m not about to push anything like that on him now. And I wouldn’t blame him for never wanting to speak to me again.
I didn’t mean to, but I used him. I used him to pretend to myself that I could move on, that Kevin and I were just friends.
Have I been using Kevin, too? Knowing that all we could be was friends, but still so desperate to keep him in my life, to have every bit of him that I possibly could?
If he was glad for the space, happy to say we should talk less, is he still going to want that now? I lean back against the wall, against taped-up ads for roommates and jobs and trivia nights at the local bar, and I feel my whole world closing in on me.
I love Kevin. I’min lovewith Kevin. My best friend.The most important person in the world to me.
And while it feels like my brain is letting out a sigh, like it’s finally stopped fighting against that knowledge for so long, the rest of me is all but paralyzed by the thought of it.
I’m not withTed anymore, so Kevin and I might be able to go back to where we were. But can I handle that now, knowing that what I really want is so much more? Could I handle more, knowing all I have to lose? Would he want more if I could?
I want to flee back to the safety of my bed, but I know even there, I can’t escape the truth:
I’m in love with Kevin, and I don’t have the first clue what to do about it.
Itext Miranda on the way home, and she tells me she can be over at my house in about an hour. She’s finished up with her own classes early today, and I know later tonight she’s meeting with her boyfriend, Jared—the talent liaison at the arena she met the same night I met Kevin.They’ve been kind of off and on since then, but they are firmly on now.
I don’t want to intrude on her with my crap, but Leigh’s at work saving the world one governmental lobbying proposal at a time, and while there’s a not-small part of me that’s dying to call Kevin— “Guess what? I broke up withTed. We don’t have to take up less space in each other’s lives after all! It can all go back to normal!”—I’m also scared to do so, now that I know how I really feel about him.
Normally, I’d have gotten a text from Kevin by now, or texted him something. He’d have sent a link to some gossip site with spoilers forThe Bachelor, even though he knows I won’t open it. He’d just be taunting me with it, with that little smiling devil emoji. Or I’d have texted him about the way the guy in front of me in class won’t stop cracking his knuckles over and over again like a popcorn machine, possibly with a sound recording so Kevin can truly appreciate my pain.
Something like that, or something totally different. But something.
There’s nothing from him on my phone since those gifs he sent last night, though, and when I crawl back into bed, I find myself watching them play in tiny two-second loops until my eyes hurt.
I pull the blankets up around me. I resent my bed so often, resent the amount of time I spend here instead of being able to hold a steady job or take a full course load of classes. Or spend more time with my friends than the once-every-couple-weeks we can all get together. But despite that, it always felt safe here. Even when the snow pelts the bedroom window like it does now, I feel warm here.
Especially, I realize, once this became the place I’d spend time with Kevin. I stopped resenting it then, stopped feeling so trapped by my room and my fatigue, because even though he wasn’t physically here, he was with me. Nearly every night, just on the other side of the screen. Where, if I closed my eyes, I could pretend there wasn’t a screen at all, and he was really here.
Where many nights, I’d fall asleep wishing just that.
God, how did I not know I was in love with him? How did I convince myself that I could move on, that I could just be friends with him, and be okay without anything more?
I don’t feel safe or warm here right now, no matter how many blankets I tuck around me.
Eventually Miranda walks in. My mom and dad are both at work, and my sister has orchestra after school, so I left the door unlocked so she didn’t have to bother knocking. She takes one look at me, sitting up against my headboard with only my head poking out from a huddle of blankets, and sighs.
“Shit.That bad a day, huh?”
I look her over. I may be drowning in blankets and prepared to remain so for the rest of my life, but she looks amazing. Her dark hair is pinned back, just barely wet with snow, and she’s got on this shimmery-but-somehow-understated black dress and heeled boots.
“Oh god, Miranda. Were you on your way to meet Jared? I don’t want to interrupt—”
“Whatever. No. I’ve still got a while. I just didn’t want to have to go back home and get changed first.” She peels off her boots and sits next to me on the bed, up against the headboard.
“Well, you look amazing. Especially those socks.”
