The whole drive to campus the next day, I tell myself this over and over.
All throughout my molecular biology class, I tell myself how this will be better for everyone, not listening at all as Professor Botkins lectures rapid-fire in the background.
Kevin and I can still be friends, I think. I don’t talk or text with Leigh and Miranda every day—not even close. And we’re still friends. Not like Kevin and me, but—
My eyes burn, and the words on my laptop swim around so much that I close the thing entirely.
Some change is good. Necessary, even.
I’ll feel better when I talk toTed. When I see how much better he feels about all of this.
After class, I walk across the courtyard to the building whereTed will be getting out of his statistics class.The snow is drifting down lazily, the sky steel gray.The sudden cold air stings my cheeks, and then entering the warm math building stings them all over again. Sometimes after class, we meet up for a late lunch. Not all the time—he often has to go back to work, or one of us has a study group, or I’m too tired and need to go home to crash. But I don’t think any of those are happening today, and probably it’s good for us to go out again, talk things over. Spend some more time together, even when it’s not planned. But just because we want to.
We never do that, I realize.
He’s the one you should be texting from class or hanging out with in the evenings, you know?Kevin had said.
My throat feels too tight.Ted’s my boyfriend. He’s the one I should want to do those things with.
Ted steps out of his classroom, his backpack slung over his shoulder, his blond hair still messy from the beanie he likely wore in the snow on the way to class. He doesn’t see me at first; he’s talking with another guy in his class.The guy says something andTed laughs.
He’s cute. I’ve always thought so. But it hits me then that I’ve never felt my heart skip when I’ve made him laugh like that. I’ve never felt that electric current run through me when we kissed, the goosebumps along my skin at feeling him close.
I likeTed. He’s kind and sweet and fun to hang out with, and I really do enjoy spending time with him. But I’ve never felt like I couldn’t wait to share big news—or small news—with him. I’ve never longed to be in his presence, even if it was only through text or Skype. I’ve never wondered if he’s thinking about me when he drifts off to sleep, or when he wakes up in the morning.
Ted looks over and sees me, giving me a hesitant smile and wave, and it comes crashing in on me all at once.
All those things I haven’t felt with him, those are things I’ve felt with Kevin.Things I still feel with Kevin, no matter how much I try to convince myself I don’t. Or that it’s just because he’s my best friend.
But telling myself I don’t have feelings for Kevin, telling myself I’ve moved on, that we’re just friends, that I only want us to be friends—it doesn’t make any of that true.
Ted, I care about as a friend.
I’m in love with Kevin.
The words stun me.They feel like terror and relief all at once, but I don’t have time to process them, don’t have time to turn them over and test them, becauseTed’s right here now, and I suddenly know what I need to do—as far as things with him go, at least.
“Hey,” he says, his smile slipping as he studies me warily. “So, um. Did you talk to Kevin last night?”
“Yeah. I did.” I swallow; it’s hard for me to meet his eyes, because it’s hitting me now how unfair I’ve been to him. Maybe I didn’t know how deep my feelings for Kevin were—maybe I didn’t let myself know—and maybe I didn’t thinkTed and I were all that serious, even when we had official labels.
But it was still unfair, and I’m searching for a way to say that, when he nods, his hands shoved into his pockets.
“Right,” he says, staring at the ground. He knows what’s coming. Possibly he knew when he first saw my face just now. Possibly he knew last night.
I look up at him. “I’m sorry,Ted. I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
“Because of Kevin,” he says, nodding again.
I wet my lips. “Because I’m in love with him. I didn’t realize that until—I mean, I knew I’d had feelings for him, but I thought I was over those, or getting over—”
“It’s okay,” he says. “You don’t need to explain. I kind of figured.”
I frown, confused. “You knew all this time I had feelings for him?”
“No. But on some level, I knew you weren’t totally in this. It wasn’t until last night that I knew why.” He gives me a small, sad smile. “You’d never looked so happy to see me as you did getting those texts from him.”
I close my eyes. “God,Ted, I’m so sorry. I care about you, I really do. I didn’t mean to hurt you like this.”
