The thought of that guts me. I already know what has to happen. Maya and I will become the kind of friends who might get together if they have a minute when they’re in town, who only text when they have big news. And just like that, I’m imagining the day that she texts to tell me she’s moving in with her boyfriend, getting engaged, asking for my current address so she can send me a wedding announcement. I don’t know this dude from Adam, and I know it’s probably not that serious, especially because they couldn’t be together that much, given that she spends most of her free time with me.
Or does she? Has she been with him every minute that she’s not with me? Has she been texting me while hanging out with him?That shouldn’t feel like a betrayal. I knew the score.
But I can’t help it. It does.
“Is that really what you want?” Maya asks. Her voice is so quiet, so vulnerable, that I nearly tell her hell no, this isn’t what I want. I want her to be my girlfriend. I want to get a place in Denver and split my time between there and LA. I want to spend every spare second with her. I want to be the guy she kisses and makes love to. I want to be everything to her, the way she’s everything to me.
I have the self-respect not to say that, at least. So I tell her something else that’s true. “I want you to be happy. And I think maybe I’ve been taking up too much space in your life, and that’s not fair.”
“It didn’t feel like too much space to me,” Maya says.
“But your boyfriend. He’s not thrilled about it. Is he?”
“I don’t think it should be his decision.”
“It isn’t,” I say. “But if you were my girlfriend, and you wanted to spend all your time with some other guy, I’d be concerned. And jealous. And wondering if I was wasting my time on someone who wasn’t really into me, you know?”
Okay, I’m all of those things.This is way too close to the truth, except for the part about wasting my time.That’s the trouble with my friendship with Maya.Time with her never feels like it’s wasted.
Even if it’s keeping me from opening my heart to something that might really work, instead of saving it all for her.
“I want the best for you,” I say. “And if that means we need to talk a little less while you focus on your relationship, that’s okay.”
It’s not okay. It’ll never be okay. But that’s all the more sign that I need to let go.
Not before I get my heart broken, though. Like an idiot, I’ve already handed it to her, and she’s torn it to shreds.
“How much less?” she says. And I want to read heartbreak into her tone, but I’m afraid I’ve already assumed too much.
“I don’t know,” I say. “Why don’t you talk about it with your boyfriend? It’s not his decision, obviously,” I add quickly. “It’s not like I think he has the right to tell you what to do. But if you’re in a committed relationship, you should at least hear his opinion and work out something you’re both comfortable with, right?”
My eyes are burning.They should work this out, because they’re the ones in the relationship.They’re the ones with something to navigate, not me.
I’m just the friend.The expendable one.The third, unnecessary wheel.
“Yeah, okay,” Maya says. “I guess you’re right.”
I love you, I almost say. And even if I could play it off like I love her as a friend, I know I can’t let those words pass my lips. I need to be working on disentangling my heart, on figuring out how to be as open to a relationship as she apparently is.
I have no idea if or when that is ever going to happen.
Nine
Maya
Ishould feel better. I came clean aboutTed to Kevin, likeTed wanted. And Kevin didn’t flip out or accuse me of keeping secrets. He seemed surprised, of course, and hurt, maybe, that I hadn’t told him before now, which made me snap into defensive mode again. He even understood whereTed was coming from—way more than I did. Or maybe just more than I was willing to admit.
Which means, probably, telling him was the right thing to do. It means I should feel better.
But I don’t. I feel like complete shit. I feel like never leaving my bed, like wrapping myself up in my comforter and keeping the whole rest of the world out.
I think maybe I’ve been taking up too much space in your life, Kevin said. Calmly. Gently, like he was trying to let me down easy, even though my heart was cracking apart.You need to be putting your focus there.
WithTed. Who is my boyfriend.
And maybe Kevin’s right about the focus. Maybe that’s what Kevin actually wants, some space of his own. Maybe it’s what’s best for both of us.To show we really have moved on. Maybe how well he took all that, how much he wanted me to make things work withTed, is a sign that he has.
Which is a good thing.
