“You were supposed to do an everything shower,” Carolina tsks.
“I’m just doing the bare minimum not to get kicked out of the Billionaire’s Ball.”
“No,” Carolina warns. “We’re going hard. All the way. You don’t want the reason Kathy doesn’t find a rich boyfriend to be because you’ve got hair poking through your dress.”
Gran shakes her head. “I’m calling in reinforcements. This is too big a job for me.”
And that’show I find myself butt naked in my laundry room with several elderly women crowded around my back end, trying to decide the best way to tackle the jungle.
Fidget licks my face nervously.
“I’m eating a corn dog after this,” I try to pep-talk myself as the smell of burning wax hits the air. “You can have a bite too,” I tell the dog. I’m feeling charitable.
“No. No one’s eating anything,” Carolina scolds.
“I can’t go into this event on an empty—AHH! Fuck.” I collapse on the floor.
“You should try giving birth,” Gran snorts.
“No, thank you.” I groan.
“Bum up.” Gran swats my hip. “We have to do the other side.”
I moan in agony.
“Beauty is pain,” Carolina chirps as she helps me up, wincing after I’m smooth as a newborn piglet.
“You better find a billionaire to fuck. Shame to waste a good wax.”
One of the elderly women holds up a jar. “I make it myself. You should come to our next waxing party.”
“I told her you could host a wax party in your café. I’m assuming your groans of pain are a yes?” Gran swats me on the backside and hands me the dress.
The red dress slips on like a second skin. The fabric is buttery soft but still sturdy enough to give the dress some structure.
“You have to admit…” Carolina says as I turn in the mirror in the upstairs bedroom.
“I just think the red is a little much, especially for me.”
“Don’t sell yourself short, girlie.” Gran rummages through the makeup Carolina brought. “Color of aged wine. Looks great wrapped around a cock.” She makes a kissy face at me. “Let me see those Marilyn Monroe lips.”
Carolina drapes a velvet-and-crystal choker around my neck.
“Oh, Winnie, is that what you’re wearing?” My mom frowns from the doorway. “What about that pantsuit I bought you for Christmas?”
“You look great. Don’t listen to her. She’s jelly of those gourds hanging from your chest. All that diet food she ate in the nineties messed up her brain and her gut health.”
Mom glares at her mother-in-law. “I’m trying to help my daughter look her best so she can finally find a husband.”
“Now”—Gran narrows her eyes at me—“I hate to agree with cottage cheese here, but you need to get serious about finding a man. I need a great-grandbaby. You have birthing hips. I don’t know if your sister’s gonna make it out of that cave. She’ll bust a breast implant.”
“Maybe Fitz will be there,” Carolina whispers to me.
I feel sick. “Maybe I shouldn’t go. I could order a pizza. I have that new Netflix special.”
“Really gonna put the ‘ho’ in ‘homebody,’ huh?”
“Aw!” Kathy claps her hands as she floats into the room. “Winnie, you look so good!”
