“Er, that’s actually Frances,” Carolina whispers.
Ernie tosses Gran’s veil over her head. “Let’s have fornication, pretty lady!”
“We have to say our vows first. Isn’t he precious?” Gran giggles.
“I’m really questioning our family here,” Kathy whispers to me.
“And they always give me grief for getting with a younger woman!” Ernie laughs then leans in to kiss Gran.
“At least she’s getting him out of the nursing home.”
“Wait, what?” I hiss at Kathy.
She grimaces. “Didn’t you get the memo? He’s living with us.”
“For fuck’s—”
“You may now kiss the bride!”
“I thought Ernie had a house,”I complain.
“Ernie has a spot in a retirement condo, for which, by the way, they did go ahead and approve the Brew & Browse’s expansion. They like our sugar-free dessert options,” Kathy adds.
“Allegedly, Gran and Ernie got kicked out due to complaints about excessive noise,” Carolina tells me. “So they’re going to go buy a house at some point.”
“This is a very difficult housing market.” Gran turns to me as the photographer yells at us to look at the camera and smile.
We make our way to the reception hall, where several elderly musicians are setting up to play polka music.
“I tried to get 2 Chainz.”
“I don’t think 2 Chainz does weddings, Gran.”
“He does. Fitz checked. But your mom nixed it.” Gran shakes a fist at my mother.
The polka music starts up.
“Better do the first dance before Ernie has to go down for his nap,” Fitz tells us.
“I want some cake,” Ernie says.
“We’ll cut it in a minute,” I promise.
“Now, you’re all going to have to pull your weight,” Gran says to me as Fitz swings me around the dance floor. “There’s a big inheritance coming if we all play our cards right. Four months tops,” Gran whispers to me. “So get to baking. Add some fried foods to your repertoire.”
“Oh my gosh.”
There’s yelling from the entrance to the reception.
“Murderers! Thieves! Abusers of the elderly!” A woman in a short red spandex dress and long fake eyelashes pushes her way through the crowd. “You hussy! You stole my husband!” She slaps Gran across the face.
“Now, hell nah!” Gran rips off her wedding dress. “You wanna fight? Let’s go! I didn’t steal him—I married him fair and square!” She puts up her fists.
“I’m really sorry about this,” I say to the guests.
The polka players soldier on.
“I married him first. I have a wedding certificate!” Spandex Woman announces.
