“Alexa!” My dad’s yelling at the home automation system. “Alexa, play ‘We Are Family.’ Alexa, play—”
“Adding to your shopping list.”
Now I have a migraine.
Kathy sniffles. “Winnie, please let us stay.”
“Honestly,” my mother scoffs, “of course we’re staying, Winifred. Stop this nonsense. Now, come on, Kathy, let’s get you to bed. Winnie, Kathy’s staying with you!” she yells as she helps Kathy up the stairs.
My stairs.
“Your father and I will sleep in the guest room, your grandmother can sleep in the laundry room on a cot, and you can still have your office, see? We’re no trouble at all.”
“I’m not sleeping on no cot.” My elderly grandmother, disturbingly spry, sprints up the stairs after my mother.
“How do you like your eggs, Winn? Hey, you got any ketchup?” My dad rummages around in my fridge. “Man! My lucky day. A strawberry croissant! It’s like you knew I was coming!” He beams at me.
“Winnie, when was the last time you washed these sheets?” Mom calls.
Ding dong!
When I installed that doorbell, I had visions of hosting fun Friendsgivings and themed parties and answering the door like I was in a Nancy Meyers movie. Then I remembered that I don’t like my family that much and Carolina is my only real friend.
“I hate this doorbell.” I wrench the door open, and the guy in a green shirt almost falls off the porch.
“Uh…” The tired-looking DoorDash guy peers at me. “I have an order of Caesar salad, smothered chicken and waffles with extra gravy, and five orders of cauliflower nuggets and a mozzarella stick, no sauce? I thought that might have been a typo, so I put some in anyway.” He beams. “Thanks for the hundred-dollar tip.”
He sucks in a breath when he sees the anger on my face.
“Fidget!” I yank the Alexa plug out of the wall.
“Oh.” He sees my uninvited houseguests. “That’s nice. A little family visit.”
“They are not staying.”
“Winifred, didn’t you already eat dinner? You’re ordering DoorDash?” my mom tuts from the stair balcony.
The border collie shoves herself between my legs, politely takes the bag from the delivery driver, and sprints back upstairs.
“Aww,” I hear my sister say. “Fidget brought me a snack.”
My life is a mess.
My family needs to be gone ASAP, or I’m not going to make it.
And let’s be realistic. My sister’s not getting a job that will pay her a wage high enough to evict my family. Not here in Seattle, anyway.
She has exactly one skill set: being a rich man’s girlfriend. And for that, I need a boyfriend. Someone handsome. Shallow. With lots of money. Preferably multiple houses so he can put my parents in one and Gran in another.
I smile. The DoorDash guy flinches.
I know the perfect billionaire. One who deserves to be subjected to my family for all eternity, as long as they both shall live.
Now I just need to convince him to put a ring on it.
4
FITZ
