She asked me to keep it a secret, and the first moment I spoke to my friend, I accidentally told him.
She pulls into a parking spot and turns the car off. She grabs her bag, ready to go into the flooring store, but I stop her, because I can’t do this. I can’t go shopping with her acting like everything is okay.
“Hey.” Her eyes meet mine and all I can see is sadness, a complete departure from the way she was looking at me last night. My stomach turns in knots, worry etching up my spine, because could I have really fucked it up this fast? “I know you wanted to keep this a secret, and that was my intention themoment you asked, because I want to respect your feelings, so I’m really sorry that Rupert found out. I’m really mad at myself.”
“It’s okay, Theo. I know it was an accident.”
“Thank you, but I don’t want you being sad about it. How can I make it better?”
Her brow knits together. “I’m not sad about that.”
“You’re not?” I ask. “I just thought you were because you were so quiet on this drive.”
She shakes her head. “It’s something else. No need to worry about it.”
She reaches for her door handle, but I stop her again. “Hold on.” I take her hand in mine. “Renley, if there is something that’s bothering you, tell me.”
“It’s really fine, Theo?—”
“It’s not,” I say, stopping her. “I know this thing between us is new and maybe we’re still getting to a point where you feel comfortable talking to me, but if there is one thing I learned from my parents’ shitty marriage, it’s that holding things in only brings on animosity and miscommunication. So please, talk to me.”
She looks off to the side. “But what is this, really? I mean, are you staying, are you leaving? I don’t want to sit here and divulge all this information to you if?—”
“I said this wasn’t a fling,” I repeat.
“I know, but you have to go back to England at some point. You can’t stay here. You have responsibilities, and I’m not about to go there, so I know we said this wasn’t a fling, but if we actually think about it, that’s exactly what it is because there’s an end date.”
“Not for me,” I say, unsure what has brought her to this point in her mind. I thought we cleared this up last night.
“Theo, you’re going to be a lord. That’s real. This…”—she motions between us—“this is not real. It’s…temporary.”
“The fuck it’s not,” I say, growing irritated, which surprises her. “This is more real to me than anything else I’ve experienced in my life. What we’ve been doing this summer has released me from feeling so numb. I’ve felt things I’ve never felt before.” Ticking them off on my fingers, I say, “Embarrassment, humility, pride from doing hard work, accomplishment, desire…need. Don’t tell me this is not real, because it’s fucking real to me.”
Tears spring to her eyes, making me feel like a guilty arsehole for getting stern with her. “I’m sorry.” She buries her face in her hands. “I’m so sorry, Theo. You’re right.”
Shit, the last thing I wanted to do was make her even more upset.
“Hey,” I whisper, bringing her into my chest over the center console. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“You didn’t. I’m…being a jerk and you’re right. Everything you said. I’m trying to push you away and I don’t know why. You’re everything that I should want and everything that I need right now, but…I’ve…I’ve faced too much disappointment over the years. I’m just…God, I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing,” I say, kissing the top of her head. “Tell me what’s going on.”
She shakes her head. “It’s dumb. I’ll be fine.”
I grip her chin and lift it up, forcing her eyes to meet mine. “It’s not dumb if it’s making you feel like this. I don’t like to see your tears, and I don’t like to see you upset. Let me be a part of this; let me be a rock for you.”
She softly rubs her lips together, not answering.
“Do you trust me?” I ask her. “In all seriousness, do you trust me?”
Once again, she takes a moment to answer. “I think so.” Her glistening eyes don’t stray from mine as she continues, “And I don’t want you to be insulted by that, because the people I’vetrusted the most in my life have disappointed me the most, so building that trust is hard.” Her hand caresses my jaw. “But you haven’t done anything to break that trust, or to make me believe that there is reason not to trust you. If anything, you’ve shown up, you’ve been there, you’ve proved to me that when you make a promise, you’ll keep it.”
Jesus, that’s fucking deep. What could she possibly be talking about?Whocould she be talking about?
“I want to trust you, Theo. And I think, deep down, I do, or else I wouldn’t have given myself over to you last night.”
I bring her knuckles to my mouth and gently kiss them. “I’m not going to hurt you, Renley. I promise.”
