“Not sure why you’re using the term ‘we.’ I have nothing to do with this. You dry humped her, you take care of her mouse.”
He has a point.
I pick up Rupert’s jumper and start walking down the hallway.
“Wait, what are you doing with my jumper?”
“Using it.”
“But that’s a Luca Faloni. It was designed for fashion, not rodent management.”
Unamused, I ask, “Would you rather I use your face?”
“How the hell would you use my face?”
“Come here and find out.”
He takes a step back and gestures to the jumper. “By all means, ruin the cable knit I’ve grown quite fond of.”
Fucking plonker.
I bring my attention back to the mouse, which is currently scurrying against the rear door, running back and forth, making my innards twitch with dread. I’ve seen far too many videos of squirrels attacking humans, clawing at their faces and clinging on until the human is fully traumatized and ready to pass out. I know this mouse is not a squirrel, but that doesn’t mean my mind isn’t racing as I approach with zero plan and a whole bucket of false bravado—and one finely knit jumper.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” I say as I creep closer. “Just let me help you.”
“Are you talking to it? What are you saying? Are you asking it to attack me? That shit isn’t funny, man.”
“Can you shut the fuck up?” I ask as I close in on it. “I just need—” I reach for the back door and yank it open, just as the mouse takes off in the other direction.
“Ahhhhhh!” Rupert screams. I turn around just in time to see Rupert leaping across the store, as if he’s performing the triple jump. “It’s trying to eat me.” He leaps up and then lands, his eyes widening just as another ear-piercing, dog-howling scream exits his mouth. “Ahhhhhh! I stepped on it. Oh fuck, I stepped on it.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, running up to him just as the mouse scurries past me, down the hall, and right out of the store. I spring toward the door and shut it, not wanting it to find its way back in. Hand to heart, trying to catch my breath from theadrenaline rush, I head down the hallway and say, “You didn’t step on it, it ran out the door.”
I walk up to Rupert, who looks positively green as he holds his hand to his mouth.
“What’s going on?”
“I stepped on it.”
“No, you didn’t, it left.”
He shakes his head and points down at his foot.
My eyes track down to find a splatter of blood and a tail.
“Mate…mate…down,” Rupert exclaims right before he faints to the ground with a thump.
Jesus Christ…but also…let me go test out that new toilet because this almond croissant is not staying down.
Rupert:I canceled training with Kitty today and gave her workouts to do on her own. I’m unwell.
Theo:Is this your way of telling me that Renley is on her way since you’re supposed to be on lookout for me?
Rupert:She left like five mins ago.
Theo:Why didn’t you text me five minutes ago?
Rupert:Did you not read the above? I’m unwell.
