I ran my fingers over the digital piano that sat in the corner, the one I had begged my parents for in high school. We had a baby grand piano in the den, but I’d been confined to playing certain hours due to the uncontrollable volume. However, the convenient headphone jack on the digital one gave me the freedom to play all hours of the day or night.
I plopped down on the edge of my bed, memories of rumpled sheets, sweaty skin, and breathy moans assailing me. My eyes drifted close as I trailed my hand over the mattress slowly, as though I could still feel the warm body that used to lay there next to me, curled around my sated frame.
My eye then caught on the mahogany Gibson gracefully set on its stand next to my window. It had been a birthday present when I’d turned eleven. I couldn’t count the times I’d made myself bleed from the hours I spent strumming those strings. My throat tightened at the sight of the guitar pick stuck underneath the strings of the top fret. I pulled the sliver of blue free, the edges and pieces of the logo faded from years of use.
I ran my thumb over it reverently as though afraid it would crumble in my hand. Something cold and wet slid down my cheek and irritation struck me as my eyes stung. I had the irresistible urge to toss it out the window and at the same timecradle it to my chest. It was fucking stupid how a quarter-sized piece of plastic could evoke such a fury of emotion.
I grabbed the guitar from its mount and slung it around my back by the strap, creeping back down the stairs. I hoped like hell that my family were either all still at the dining table or otherwise busy so they wouldn’t notice me slipping out of the house. I tried to tiptoe past the living room and had the back door in my sights before an annoyingly smug voice stopped me.
“You know, you’d have better luck sneaking out if you didn’t clomp around like a Clydesdale,” Dani piped up behind me.
And that plan died a very quick death.
“I’d have even better luck if I was an only child,” I snarked. She was unperturbed, leaning against the wall with a knowing smirk.
“So tell me. What’s wrong?” Her hazel eyes that looked so much like Mom’s had me squirming as she studied me carefully.
“What makes you think anything’s wrong?”
“Uh, hi, who do you think you’re talking to?” she sassed, one eyebrow raised at me. “One, I’ve known you my whole life, genius. Two, you just tried to sneak out of the house all stealthy even though you suck at it. Three, you’ve got your guitar and that usually means you’re off to be all mopey and work through whatever emotions are trying to break through that perfect, Texas golden boy exterior you fight so hard to keep up. The defense rests, your Honor.”
Yeah, I am so wishing I was an only child at the moment. I’ve got fifteen acres and a shovel…it could still happen.
“I think I’m gonna plead the fifth, counselor. Later,” I replied. I tried again to make a quick exit, but my feet rooted in place at her next words.
“He’s here, by the way…”
I didn’t need to ask her who she meant. The soft, sad lilt to her voice told me everything I needed to know.
“Do Mom and Dad know?” I was pretty sure I knew the answer already. The pieces clicked in place why Dad had been so sketchy earlier, asking me if I’d seen anyone next door. I didn’t know whether to be pissed off he hadn’t outright told me or grateful for a few more hours of blissful ignorance.
“We all saw him arrive a couple weeks ago,” she said quietly. “I don’t know if he’s only staying with his dad for the summer or…”
“Nah, he’s back,” I told her. A loud breath escaped me and I turned back to her. “I saw him a couple times back in May. He’s either going to UT or just living near campus, I don’t know.”
Dani’s brows furrowed as she gave me a regretful look. “How did it go when you saw him?”
I laughed humorlessly, dragging a hand down my face. “It, uh…”
God, I didn’t even know how to answer that. How did I make sense of the fact that it was like being ripped in half and becoming whole again simultaneously? Seeing Theo had been crushing and painful, yet it also felt like the first full breath I’d taken since the night I learned he left.
Dani didn’t ask me to explain, closing the distance between us and wrapping her arms around my waist tightly. She didn’t say anything and neither did I because what was the point? She understood better than anyone what Theo leaving did to me. I was half the person I used to be, hiding behind the smiling, congenial façade everyone expected of Dawson Hayes.
She released me and I hastily dove out the back door. I hopped in the golf cart that stayed gassed up behind the shed and took off toward the back of the property.
I took the path that cut through the woods and soon came up on the old, abandoned barn nestled in a small clearing surrounded by the thicket of trees. It was open and three-sided like it had been cut in half, timeworn and battered butstill standing. It was a remnant of when the land was used for farming, splitting the border of our property andhis.
Which had made itours.
I took in the derelict ladder that led up to the loft that looked new and out of place with the rest of the structure. After one of the boards broke and nearly dropped out from under me when I was sixteen, Theo and I spent that summer rebuilding it with his father. The bones of the barn were stronger than they looked, but we would’ve built it up ten times over if needed.
It had become our refuge, our home away from home. We spent hundreds of nights in sleeping bags right under the half-roof, talking about everything and nothing. I’d bring my guitar and play for hours until my hands cramped while Theo sang along, usually out of tune.
This was where we grew up together while fighting to hold onto our youth, just so we could stay in those happy moments even a little longer. It was why Theo had named it Neverland.
I climbed out of the cart and settled in my old chair in a corner of the barn. I nested the guitar on my lap and the pick glided across the strings without conscious effort, the rich and resonant sound warming me from the inside. I let myself go as the melody of a long forgotten song flowed from my fingertips and vibrated around me. I hadn’t played it in ages, but the chords came back as though they were burned into the muscles and tendons of my hand.
Memories stirred, blending together in an endless sequence that dragged me under and blurred the lines of reality. I was here and there, feet in two separate worlds where time had no rules. The music pulled me in as I got lost in the past, only to be ripped back to the present by a voice that inexplicably still held the power to stop my world.
