“Would you hate me if the roles were reversed? If I’d been the one to sleep with someone else in those circumstances?”
“Never,” I answered instantly. I didn’t even have to think about it. It was an innate truth, as real as the blood in my veins.
“Then you understand how I feel. I don’t hate you, regardless of what I said when I was angry.”
“Do you want me to go?”
“No, no I don’t want that. I’m just struggling with the memories of it and…what it means for us, I guess.”
My stomach knotted harshly. “What do you want to know? I’ll tell you whatever you need.”
“I want to know why.” His voice cracked, cutting me with the broken sound.
“I get this might sound like an excuse, but you have to understand something. When I’m manic, I become…self-destructive, I guess. I get these impulses that are hard to ignore. And with the drugs I took, I was a walking disaster.”
“So you’re saying you just couldn’t help yourself? You got the impulse to screw someone and you couldn’t stop no matter what?”
I exhaled heavily, fighting not to let that sinister voice back in that whispered I would ruin everything. Dawson was giving me a chance to earn his trust back. I’d be damned if I messed that up.
“No, not exactly. When I have a manic episode and things get really bad, sometimes I feel…well, horny, but it’s more than that. It can be intense and I don’t always think through the consequences of things like I normally would. I don’t necessarily lose all control, but my inhibitions are way down, kind of like being drunk. It doesn’t happen often and what you saw that night was a…milder version of that. I had some awareness, but with the drugs…”
“Then did you realize what you were doing or not? I’m not even sure what’s worse. That you had no control over your actions and it could happen again in the future, or you could have stopped it but you didn’t.”
Through his frustration, I could hear the fear about what this said about me. What he was worried I was capable of if we were together. I knew in my bones I would never cheat on Dawson, never even consider it, but I couldn’t lie to him about this. Not even to assuage his fear.
“The only times I couldn’t curb the impulse was when I was high or wasted,” I said warily. “But at your party, I had started to come down a bit by that point. I honestly wasn’t aware of it at first, but…eventually I realized what was happening and I chose to let it. All because I thought you were with Aly, and I was jealous and miserable.”
Dawson drew in a shuttering breath, wrapping his arms around himself. He was quiet for so long that I wondered if I had finally managed to push him away, if he’d decided I wasn’t worth the risk. I picked at my nails anxiously, weighing the pros and cons of getting on my knees and begging him not to give up on me yet.
“Were you unmedicated at my party?” He peered at me and I nodded solemnly. “What about the other times you couldn’t control it?”
“I hadn’t been taking my pills during any of those times. As much as I hate taking them, the meds definitely suppress any manic symptoms like that.”
Dawson’s head bobbed slowly, but he was still curled into himself and unwilling to look me in the eye. I carefully slid a few inches closer, giving him time to stop me if he wanted.
“Mercury, look at me,” I ordered gently. Glossy, sad eyes met mine, tearing my heart out. “I know you’re scared to trust me and that you think I won’t be able to control myself, but I promise you that I will never hurt you like that again. I would never cheat on you.”
“You can’t promise that,” he whispered brokenly.
“Yes I can. I don’t want Corvin, at all. And I have no desire to get high or drunk, not when I have you. I will take every medication, go to every therapy session, do anything I need to stay strong for us. And if I ever feel like I’m slipping, I will tell you and you can help me stay grounded. We can do this together.”
“Do you really believe that?”
I reached for his hand, bringing it up to rest above my heart.
“There’s not much I trust about my mind, but I trust this. I’ve known you were meant to be mine since we were fifteen. I know I got lost along the way, but I found my way back to you. I am completely devoted to you, Dawson. This heart only beats for you.”
His hand curled into my shirt, dragging me towards him. Our lips met in a soft embrace, a quiet promise that we would find a way through this. Dawson was my anchor, my safe place, and I knew in the deepest parts of me that I could weather any storm with him at my side.
He restarted the movie and we settled into the cushions next to each other. I hated the few inches he left between us, but I wanted to give him what he needed. Space, time, patience,my whole goddamn heart carved from my chest. Anything he wanted of me, it was his.
Dawson reached for my hand, his fingers sliding between mine like a key finding its lock. Eventually, I fell asleep with a smile on my face and Dawson’s hand in mine in a dark theater.
Chapter 20
Dawson
My head throbbed in the harsh, afternoon sun and sweat slid down my temples as I called out the play. The feel of the ball hitting my hands usually snapped me into action, but my focus was all over the place. I moved around the pocket, trying to find the right opening before the bubble of safety around me collapsed. A shoulder caught me in the side and I went down, hard.
