“Or who would make the worst decision of his life and walk away from the man he’s loved since he was fifteen because he was too scared of his own mind.”
My breath hitched when his lips ghosted over mine. My heart was pounding a frantic rhythm that I was sure he could hear. I didn’t stop him when Theo captured my mouth in a tentative kiss, licking over the seam of my lips and coaxing me to open for him.
Tingles spread over me and my head swam. He didn’t linger long and I was grateful. I wasn’t confident in my ability to say no to him right now. If he asked, I would drop to my knees and rip out my bleeding heart for him.
He put some much needed space between us, allowing me to think somewhat clearly again. I rubbed at my scratchy, swollen eyes and then glanced up at Theo, sadness clouding his features.
“What is it?”
“Have I lost you for good?”
“I told you I’m not going anywhere and that hasn’t changed,” I explained gently.
“That’s not what I meant. Will you ever be able to love me again, Mercury?”
My heart wrenched at the yearning in his voice, his nickname for me sounding like the sweetest torture. I wasn’t sure how to respond because it wasn’t a simple answer. Theo’s chin quivered and he gave me a shaky smile, a bone deep ache blooming behind my ribs at the sight.
“I never stopped,” I told him honestly. The relief and hope that spread across his face almost made my knees buckle. “But…”
His face fell and his skin paled, but he didn’t say anything.
“I’m not ready for us to be together again. Not yet.”
Theo’s eyes snapped to mine. “Yet?”
I reached for his hand, lacing our fingers together. His chest wasn’t moving as he held his breath, waiting for me to put him out of his misery.
“I want to trust you again. More than anything. I’m just not there yet. Please give me some time?”
“I’ll give you all the time in the world, Dawson. I’m not going anywhere either. And I’m willing to take the pills and do whatever else is needed to be as healthy as I can for you.”
“But you hate taking them. You were…suicidal before,” I forced out. “Why on earth would you put yourself through that again? I don’t want that for you. There’s got to be some other way…”
Theo pressed a finger to my lips, halting my rambling. “I’ve told myself for months that I didn’t need the pills, that I was fine and in control of myself. But it was a lie and deep down I knew that. My head is clear enough right now to see that without them, I have no control. I do horrible things like get bombed out of my mind and give myself to others when all I want is you.”
I reflexively tried to pull away at the painful reminder of seeing Theo with those other guys, especially Corvin, but he only grasped my hand tighter.
“I fucking hate myself for what I’ve put you through, and I don’t care about some crappy side effects and feeling “off” as much as I care about you. I’ll do anything to prove that your heart is safe with me. Nothing could be worse than hurting you, so bring it on.”
“And what if the medication brings back…those thoughts again? That’s not worth it to me.”
Theo raised our joined hands and sweetly kissed my knuckles, making butterflies swoop in my gut.
“It’s impossible for me to feel hopeless if I have you by my side, Mercury. Your ring was my anchor, but you’re the reason my heart beats. You’re my reason for wanting to be strong, for wanting to fight for every breath. I have faith in that and it’s worth the risk.We’reworth it.”
I smiled at the conviction in his voice, choosing to trust that he knew what he wanted. I squeezed his hand before releasing him. There was so much I still wanted to know and ask, but he’d given me enough for tonight.
He walked me downstairs and all the way out to his back patio, but once I crossed the threshold, I wasn’t able to leave. We stood there with our gazes locked, that ever-present electricity sparking between us.
“Thank you for everything you shared with me. I know that wasn’t easy for you.”
“I should have told you a long time ago,” he said regretfully. “I don’t think I ever gave you a real apology for how I left you and for…really any of the shitty things I did that hurt you.”
“No, you didn’t,” I reluctantly admitted. Those crystal orbs pierced right into me, misty with remorse.
“I am truly sorry for everything, Dawson. I never wanted to cause you pain and I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you. Even if you’ll only have me as your best friend, I won’t ever quit trying to make you happy. I hope you can forgive me one day.”
I leaned forward and brushed my lips across his cheek in a soft kiss. His sharp intake of breath made my lips quirk up.
