He looked a bit uncomfortable at the obvious friction between me and Dawson, but he nodded and followed me back into the house.
“You okay? Seems like a lot of history there with Hayes. What’s the deal with you two?” Corvin asked cautiously. I swallowed down the scathing retort that reflexively came up since I couldn’t afford to alienate the one person who might help me find what I needed. What I craved.
“I’m fine and there’s no deal with us. I’m gonna need something stronger than a fucking drink though.”
“What were you thinking?”
Indecision warred within me. I had worked so hard to prove to myself that I could handle this…this curse that eroded every good intention and bit of light inside me. But then again, maybe this was just me. I was made of pain and bad decisions like they were the building blocks of my DNA. Why should I fight it if it got me nowhere?
“I just need to get out of my head...”
The words came out brittle, and I pinned him with a loaded look. Understanding dawned on his face and his smile turned impish.
“I think I can help with that.”
Corvin grabbed my hand and dragged me along through the house. His head was on a swivel, hunting out someone in the waves of dancing, humping people. He finally found who he was looking for and yanked me over to the pool table in the den.
We approached one of the guys playing in tight chinos and a light blue polo, lining up a shot. He popped the cue forward, sending the balls clacking loudly across the green felt. He caught sight of us and greeted Corvin, fistbumping him before settling his gaze on me.
“‘Sup, Aaron. Listen, I got a friend who’s not feeling too great. Might be a headache,” he lied, nodding towards me. “You got anything that might help?”
Mr. Chinos scrutinized me with an unreadable expression. “Your friend looks a little pale. A little dose of Vitamin C might do the trick. Maybe some Vitamin E if that’s more your bag?”
Sweat beaded at my hairline, promises I had made my mom, my Dad, even myself echoing in my mind. I’d broken them before and I hated myself more each time. Deep down, I didn’t want to be this person. I didn’t want to be weak and give in to this disease.
But I also didn’t give a single fuck. I didn’t care about risk or consequence. I didn’t want to feel or think or hurt. I wanted escape.
“Both” I answered, all caution gone as the voices invaded louder than before, overtaking all sense. Aaron’s brows shot up in amusement while Corvin’s drew down slightly in concern.
“Ahh, we’re bumping up, huh? It’ll cost you a bit more though.” I nodded in agreement and he set his pool cue down.
“Right this way.”
They led me over to the bathroom, closing us inside. Once we were locked away, I passed him some cash and Aaron quickly set up a neat, white line on a decorative glass tray. The promises I had once made fractured, but it was too easy to justify the guilt away.
Damn it, it’s not that bad.
It’s not Oxy.
It’s not like last time.
I haven’t fallen that far again…
Rolled up paper was pressed to my nostril and I breathed in the line, the drugs sweeping through my body, burning away all the pain and guilt I carried and taking me higher.
And higher.
And higher, until nothing mattered. Until I never wanted to come back down.
Stardust was swimmingthrough my veins. My nerves were sparking enough to start a fire. My head felt like it was in the clouds…or no, more like the clouds were overtaking my brain. They were pushing out the darkness that constantly hung over me and clogged my thoughts.
This was what I needed. This was my escape, the drugs drawing me up to the surface and allowing me to breathe again. The quick high of the cocaine had worn off, but the X had kicked in, making the world fuzzy around the edges as I danced in the middle of a hot, sweaty press of people.
Strong, rough hands grabbed at my waist and it set off explosions under my skin.Dawson…
My head fell back and my lids drifted close as Dawson’s hands caressed my skin, tugging me back into his body. Something pinched at my memory, an unfamiliar sensation that I’d never had with him. His body felt a bit bigger, more muscled than I remembered. His hands gripped me more forcefully than he used to. But I guess that made sense. The years had changed him, hardened him like they had me.
Except where Dawson was hardened like a diamond, beautiful and pure and too good for this world, I became hard like coal. A cold, dark, shriveled version of the boy I used to be. A barely functioning husk that narrowly survived the deepest lows that came after the insurmountable highs.
