Mercury,
I miss you.
One day and I already hate being here. I mean, not really because I’m getting help, but I hate that I’m not with you.
Ugh, okay. I’ll try to think more positively.
The group shrink told us we should keep a diary or journal during our time here to process everything and look back on it in “times of struggle”. I thought that was stupid because I’m not an angsty teenage girl, so I decided to write to you instead. I’d rather talk to you anyway. I already miss your voice. I miss your laugh.
God, I just fucking miss you.
I know I let you down, but I will get better. I will get this under control. I will come back to you.
I love you.
Just please wait for me...
Chapter 42
Theo
Journal Day 3
Mercury,
It’s harder than I thought to be here. I don’t regret it and I’m trying to stay positive, but I promised I’d always be honest with you.
The truth is I’m scared. I’m scared that this won’t work, or that it will and everything will be different after.
I’m trying to trust in you and in us. Every morning I wake up, I remind myself that I need to do this to get better, to heal, to keep my promise to you that I will always come back.
I’m fighting, baby. I’m fighting with everything I have to do this for us and come home to you. Remember you own my heart, Dawson. I promise to keep it beating for you.
Don’t forget our trade. You gave me your forever and you have mine in return.
I love you.
Please wait for me.
Chapter 43
Theo
Journal Day 4
Mercury,
I met with Dr. Johansson’s wife today, Dr. Kay. Honestly, I was nervous as fuck after what we learned at the hospital and it was a long visit, but she helped me understand a lot.
Apparently the doctors at my previous facility weren’t doing their damn jobs right. She figured out I have rapid cycling, which basically means my inner yo-yo is fucked and goes up and down a lot faster than others. She said my ADHD was likely to blame, but normally one drug alone isn’t enough to treat it effectively. That’s why I kept getting so depressed even on the Lithium. Also did you know that shit can fuck up your kidneys?? Yeah, neither did I. Fuckers at the other place never told me that.
She put me on a couple new meds with names I’m not gonna even attempt to spell, but she also talked me through everythingand what to expect. The drugs may need adjusting down the line and she wanted me to be able to advocate for myself.
Then I cried. Like, full-on breakdown. I was just so fucking angry. At those doctors, that place, my mom, and even myself. I felt so stupid for never asking questions and for trusting them to know exactly what to do. I kept thinking that was as good as it was going to get. I felt shitty, but not as shitty as it could be. I had accepted that I would probably always be a little bit broken.
I don’t really think that anymore. It doesn’t feel so hopeless now.
I think…I’m actually going to be okay.
