“Sure, Dad.” The sardonic reply was nothing more than a whisper, but I knew he heard it when he tensed beside me. “It’s not like we’ll even have much time together, so what else is there for me to do?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you’ll be too busy with your family since they’ll want all your time. And it’s also just more nights I’ll have to spend alone…”
Dawson’s brow furrowed and he huffed out a loud breath, dropping his taco on his plate. “Where the hell did that come from? Mom has already asked me if you’re going to be staying with us since your dad will be out of town, so we’ll be together almost the entire week. The only time we won’t have is on Friday because of my game, but I’ll be back later that night.”
I grumbled under my breath, focusing on my food rather than admit he was right. He softened and leaned into my space, his lips brushing my ear as he spoke.
“And I don’t know what crazy ideas you’ve got in that gorgeous head of yours, but there is no way I’d let you sleep alone that week, even if your dadwashome. I’d just climb in through your window like old times and crawl into your bed every single night so you could fuck me hard and fill me with that hot cum of yours just like I need.”
He sucked at the diamond stud on my earlobe seductively and his hand coasted into my lap, fondling my limp cock through my sweats. I closed my eyes and tried to surrender to the sensation, willing my body to respond to him like it always had…but it was useless. It didn’t matter that I loved him and wanted him more than the air in my lungs. My mind was frighteningly numb and my body followed suit.
Dawson’s hand faltered when he noticed I wasn’t getting hard, and he leaned back to look at me. The rejection that streaked across his face cracked my heart down the middle and I caressed his cheek before pressing my lips to his. I kissed him with every ounce of love and devotion I had for him, but even I could tell it was different.
“Tell me what’s wrong, baby,” he pleaded.
“Nothing is—” I stopped before the lie could slip out. “It’s just been hard to…get in the mood lately. I told you things have been off with me.”
“Is it me? Did I do something?—”
“It’s not you, Dawson. It’s me and my fucked up brain, ok?” I snapped and instantly wished I could tear my own tongue out. Dawson paled and put some distance between us.
“I’m sorry, that was a stupid question to ask. I didn’t mean…I’m not trying to make it about me, I swear. I only meant…”
Hearing him stammer and fidget with nerves made me want to rip my hair out and beg God to fix me already so I would stop hurting this perfect, sweet man who didn’t deserve any of my shit. But that didn’t stop the deluge of frustration and anger at myself from coming out and finding the next easiest target.
“What do you want me to say?” I gritted out. “I’m doing everything I’m supposed to and I’m still a shitty, broken mess. It’s not anything you did or haven’t done, it’s just me. Fuck, I haven’t even wanted to masturbate in three weeks because the only thing I seem to feel anymore is exhaustion. I’m too tired to do anything but wake up each morning and try to function like a regular person, but I’mnot.”
“Theo, if that’s true, then why haven’t you talked to the psychiatrist that Maggie recommended? Maybe she can help?—”
“Help do what, Dawson?” I practically shouted. “Nothing really helps! I’ve been lucky to get these small breaks of actual happiness with you between all the shit, but it never lasts. Lithium is supposed to be the big, shiny gold standard in treating bipolarism or whatever the fuck, so what could she give me that would work better? And what if it only makes things worse? I don’t want to take that chance…not when it can cost me you.”
Dawson reeled back as if I’d struck him, but I couldn’t force my body to go to him. An aching sadness simmered in my chest, yet no tears came. It was like there was a barrier keeping me from feeling everything I was supposed to feel.
Dawson cautiously came around to me, leaving only inches between us that I desperately wanted to erase, but I didn’tdeserve it. I didn’t deserve to seek comfort in his embrace or have him soothe my frazzled nerves. But when his strong hands gently framed my face, I leaned into his touch. His love was my gravity, his touch all that kept me grounded to the earth.
“Is that what you really think? That there is any chance in Hell that you could lose me?”
His broken whisper cut into my skin and I bled guilt and regret onto the floor between us.
“You shouldn’t have to put up with all this just to love me,” I choked out. “It’s too much.I’mtoo much…”
“It’s not a chore to love you, Theo,” he said adamantly. “I know you think your illness will change how I feel about you, but I swear that will never happen. I will find every way there is to love you for every good and bad day, every high and every low. I will be with you through it all unconditionally, loving you as I always have. You are never too much for me because I can never get enough of you.”
I crashed into him, taking his lips with a fervor that pulled a needy moan from his throat. I inhaled it like it was the antidote to all the poison within me, wishing it could cure me. But luck had never been on my side in this battle.
Dawson pulled away and gave me a hopeful smile at the same time all the hope I carried died away. Despite every promise I made him, I couldn’t protect Dawson from being the collateral damage of my own demons. If I didn’t do something soon, it wouldn’t matter how much he loved me. I would sink too far under the surface where even he couldn’t follow.
Chapter 33
Dawson
The bus ride back to Austin seemed to last forever even though it was only three hours from Fort Worth back to the city. We’d won the game against TCU and I should have been as psyched as my teammates were that we were one step closer to the championship, but all I could think of was getting back to Theo. However, I was still wrestling with the nerves of how he’d be when I got home.
It had been so hard to convince my brain that Theo still desired me under the haze of the drugs when we’d gone without sex since coming back from our trip. I understood logically that Theo would have ups and downs even with his meds, but it was fucking hard to go from one of the best weekends of my life filled with life-changing sex to having my boyfriend unable to stomach touching me.
Okay, that was a bit dramatic, but it hadn’t made the rejection sting any less. After my therapist assured me that troubles with sex drive were common with Lithium use, I calmed a bit, but I still wasn’t able to shake the sense that I was losing Theo.
