Chapter 32
Theo
“So how have things been recently? I was sorry to hear you cancelled your appointment last week. The last time we saw each other, you were about to go on a trip with your boyfriend, correct?”
Maggie’s calm tone and warm smile should have been comforting, but it only made my annoyance flare. I hadn’t been prepared for how quickly my mood would nosedive after Port Aransas, and I wasn’t handling it as well as I should have, hence the cancellation last Wednesday. Dawson hadn’t been happy about that one, but oh well.
“Yeah,” I muttered. “Almost three weeks ago.”
“You sound a bit agitated. Did the trip not go as you had hoped?”
“No, it was incredible. It was better than I had imagined it would be. I wish we had never left,” I mumbled.
Maggie hummed sympathetically, jotting down a quick note before regarding me with a knowing gaze. “I take it some problems arose once you came home then.”
“You could say that,” I scoffed, remembering how things had started to slide downhill within a few days of us returning. When I didn’t elaborate, Maggie stayed silent and watched mewith that open, nonjudgmental expression that always had me spilling my guts.
“I just…I know you warned me that I might crash out some when I got back, but I didn’t think I’d get so fucked up in the head,” I confessed quietly.
“How so?”
“The first few days back weren’t so bad. It sucked going back to being buried in homework and having to play second fiddle to Dawson’s football stuff. I mean, I don’t blame him at all because that’s his life right now and after this season, he’ll be done. But it was really hard to go from having him all to myself for this one, perfect weekend to barely seeing him again. It’s somehow even harder now than it was before.”
“That’s understandable. Why do you feel it’s harder this time?”
I didn’t want to admit to her what I was feeling. While I liked Maggie and felt comfortable enough talking with her, there was still that inherent distrust in telling her too much about what went on in my head. That constant fear that if I said the wrong thing, she’d shove me in a mental hospital and I’d lose everything I’d worked so hard to get back.
“I’m not sure,” I lied, hoping she didn’t press the issue. I squirmed under her scrutinizing glare.
“How would you describe your overall mood the last couple of weeks?”
Fucking abysmal.
“Not great, but not too bad.”
“Mmm…and have you had any suicidal thoughts since the last time we met?”
Yes, and they’re growing loud enough to fucking terrify me…
“Not really.”
She squinted at me as though trying to see through the curtain of lies I was hiding behind. It took everything in me to hold her gaze and will her not to see the truth. I’d give it to Dawson…he’s who I promised it to anyway.
“Theo, remember when I told you that therapy only works if youwantit to work and you’re willing to be open and honest with yourself?”
The words were spoken softly and without accusation, but I could hear the underlying warning in her tone.
“Yeah, why?”
She shrugged daintily, her lips quirking up in a sweet smile. “I just thought you could use the reminder. Have you thought more about seeing the psychiatrist I recommended?”
I bit back the angry reply that wanted to come out. We’d been having this particular discussion for the last three sessions after I’d detailed my horrible experiences with rehab and my medication.
“Still not sure about that,” I said.
Maggie let out a deep sigh and her brows wrinkled. For the first time, she seemed frustrated with me. She was always so even-keeled when we talked, but I could tell my stubbornness was getting to her.
“I can’t tell you what to do, but I honestly think you should get reevaluated for new medication. You told me you’ve been very inconsistent with taking the Lithium the last few years and its efficacy declines each time you go off of it. When you’re not stable in taking it, it doesn’t work as well as it should. Seeing a psychiatrist—a new one thatyouhave chosen and trust,notyour mother—could give you some answers and better options than you were given in the past.”
