FORTY
I couldn’t bringmyself to go to college today.
The idea of sitting through a lecture and trying to focus seems utterly impossible. My mind is consumed by restless thoughts, and my sleep has been fitful at best. Nightmares plague me, vividly replaying Howie’s shocked expression as he clutched his chest.
I need reassurance and to see with my own eyes that he is okay or at least going to be okay. Xander is the only one awake when I get up and am ready to leave, and since he does not want me to go alone, he decides to join me.
When we enter Howie’s room, he’s propped up, gazing out the window.
“Howie,” I whisper, my voice choked with emotion as I rush over to him. It feels like a whole mountain is falling off my chest when I see him up and awake.
I hesitate, my arms reaching out for a hug, unsure if it’s safe given his state.
Noticing my hesitation, he gives me a tearful smile and gently pulls me into a tight embrace. “Kiddo,” he whispers back.
Overwhelmed, I hold onto him even tighter. “I was so fucking scared. Don’t pull shit like that on me.”
He winces slightly. “Not so hard.” I loosen my grip but stay close. “You always come through for me,” he murmurs, patting my head.
Pulling back slightly, I ask, “How are you feeling? What did the doctor say?”
He gives me a weak smile. “The doctor said I was lucky. I say it was you.”
As I lean in for another hug, he flinches, his face contorting in pain, and I immediately let go of him, panic setting in. “Did I hurt you? D-do you need a nurse?” I stammer, voice quivering.
“Just a broken rib. I’m okay,” he reassures me, his eyes filled with gratitude and a hint of amusement.
I look at him in shock, my mind racing with guilt. “Did I do that to you?” My stomach sinks at the possibility.
In my desperation to save him, I had been pretty rough while doing the compressions, wanting to make absolutely sure they worked.
Fuck, did I make things worse?
He reaches out and gently takes my hand, guiding it to his chest, right over his heart. His heartbeat is steady and reassuring beneath my trembling fingers.
“This is what you did to me.”
My heart swells, I am at a loss for words, so instead of answering, I introduce Xander to him.
Howie sizes him up with a playful glint in his eyes before turning to me and asking, “So, that’s the bearded angel, right?”
Xander nearly chokes on a laugh, and I’m blushing hard, muttering curses at Howie under my breath. Howie simply grins, his eyes filled with mischief, and I am so relieved that he feels well enough to embarrass me.
The doctor comes in shortly after and informs us that Howie is indeed very lucky and will be able to go home in a few days.But there is a shadow in Howie’s eyes when he hears that, making me pause.
He told me how he despised the shelter. Imagining him in there, trying to heal from a heart attack while hating every minute of it hurt.
Not going to happen.
After a while of chatting, Howie’s eyes droop with exhaustion, so we decide to say our goodbyes, letting him sleep with the promise to be back.
We’re in Xander’s truck as he drives with one hand on the wheel and the other on my knee. My gaze is fixed out the window, the weight of what could have happened with Howie heavy on my heart.
Xander breaks the silence, asking, “What’s on your mind?”
I glance over at him. “What do you mean?”
“I can tell something’s bothering you. You saw it yourself. He’ll be okay. So, what’s the issue?” he asks gently, stroking my knee through my jeans.
