“And don’t think I haven’t noticed that new phone he got you. You lectured me about not letting a man buy me things, not letting Leo get me a new phone, but he can buy you one?” she accuses.
“This is different, Chiara,” I say, trying to explain.
“Oh, of course, because it’s you, right? You do whatever you want, and I have to follow your stupid principles that you don’t even follow yourself,” she snaps.
“Chiara,è abbastanza,” I hiss.
“But let’s see how your boyfriend likes your little bracelet in exchange for that fancy phone. I bet he’ll love it and won’t look for someone else who can buy him things. Oh, wait, you’ll just give him a massage, won’t you? Because I bet he’s not even getting sex from you,” she spits out before storming off.
I stand there, completely shocked and with my mouth open.
What just happened?
“Here,”Joshua says, placing a bottle of water in front of me as he sits next to me at our usual table in the cafeteria, bringing me out of my thoughts. The day went by fast, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what Chiara said and what Clay told me.
I believe there is no price tag on that phone. Joshua genuinely wanted to have a way to keep in contact with me, and I understand why it’s important for our relationship that he be able to reach me over the phone when I am working all the time.
But Chiara was right too. I have nothing to give him in return. I feel like such a mess with all my problems, insecurities, inexperience, and overwhelming workload.
I glance over at Joshua, and he smiles. “Thank you,” I say, and he leans in, kissing my cheek.
He’s perfect. The kindest person I’ve ever met—honest, funny, and incredibly attractive.And what have I to offer?
Chiara’s words echo again in my mind.I bet he’s not even getting sex from you.She’s only sixteen, for fuck’s sake, and she knows nothing.But do I?
Joshua is twenty-six, and in any adult relationship, sex is a part of it. I want to sleep with him, but I’m scared. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t feel attractive enough.What if I disappoint him? What if he doesn’t like what he sees when I have my clothes off?
Maybe I should start with something simpler, like giving him a blow job. But I don’t even know how to do that.Can you google how to give good head?
“Where’s your head at?” Joshua smiles at me, playing with my hair.
“Nowhere,” I say, a little too fast.
“You okay?” He grins at me, his eyebrows raised.
“Sure,” I say, putting a strand of my hair behind my ear, the motion letting the sleeve of my hoodie slip, revealing my forearm.
“What’s that?” he asks, reaching out to touch the bandage.
I quickly put my arm on my lap, pulling down the sleeve. “Oh, nothing. I burned myself while cooking.”
“Let me see, did you show a doctor?” Joshua asks, looking concerned.
“No, it’s not bad, really. I just have to keep putting cream on it and keep it covered for a few more days.” I shrug.
“You know, for someone claiming not to be clumsy, you’re hurting yourself a lot.” His mouth twists into a half-smile, but concern is evident in his eyes.
“Joshy, can you help me with this real quick?” Sophia shouts over from the register.
“Be right back,” Joshua says, pecking my lips.
I start to fidget, and Clay looks up from his plate. “What’s wrong, kitten?”
“Can you teach me how to give head?” I blurt out.
He nearly chokes on a broccoli. “What did you just say?”
“I mean, you know both perspectives, and Chiara thinks if I don’t have an expensive Christmas present for him or sex with him, he will leave me, but I didn’t even give him head yet, and I thought maybe that’s a place to start, but I mean if I suck at it, it’s just as bad so I don’t know,” I say, so fast it nearly becomes one word.
