He chuckles. “Don’t you have them out front?”
“Yeah, but they’re out front.”
Matteo joins in with a snicker and walks over to the freezer, grabbing a bowl filled with ice cubes and offering them to me. “Here you go,carina,” he says affectionately.
I take one, placing it in my mouth, enjoying the relief as the ice melts on my overheated tongue. There’s nothing quite like the sensation of coolness when you’re exhausted. I close my eyes again and groan, feeling the weariness settling in.
When I reopen my eyes, I notice Matteo watching me with hooded eyes. It makes me take a slight step back. “Thanks,” I say, my voice slightly muffled by the ice cube still in my mouth.
Matteo has asked me out before, but I dismissed him, thinking it was some kind of joke, like the ones they used to play on me in high school. So, I told him I don’t date. He seemed to accept it easily, but I have noticed he often looks at me in a particular way. Cindy has noticed it too, and told me I should go out with him to get that whole virginity thing over with. She said the first time was bad anyway, and it didn’t matter who it was with. At least I wouldn’t die a virgin.
But something about Matteo unsettles me. He isn’t unattractive, even though he is at least fifteen years older than me and not much taller. You can clearly see his Italian heritage in his tanned complexion, shoulder-length black hair, and deep brown eyes.
But his intense gaze always makes me uncomfortable, and the thought of being intimate with him sends shivers down my spine, and they are not good ones.
Let’s see if I say the same when I am still a virgin in ten years.
Maybe I’ll crawl back to him then.
Lennard draws me out of my thoughts with a playful grin and the remark,“Your heart is made of stone. You’re a cold bitch, Carolina. I think you can manage a few more dumb customers tonight.”
He might be joking, but something in his teasing resonates deep down. Too exhausted to formulate a response, I don’t respond. Instead, I just head back out to the bar to finish my shift.
Utterly exhausted,I lay in bed, hugging a pillow tightly to my side, but sleep will not come. Frustrated, I sigh and turn onto my back, releasing the pillow and stretching out like a starfish. It’s supposed to be a luxury to have the bed all to myself, but whenever Chiara stays over at Monica’s, I feel an even deeper sense of loneliness than usual.
It’s times like these that I miss my parents the most.
How could they have left me alone in all of this?
But it’s not only my parents I miss. There’s someone else missing from my life. Someone who cares about me, someone to share the burden with, someone who I can truly be myself with. Howie and Chiara are the only people I let my guard down around. But both of them rely on me. Is it so wrong to want someone I can lean on as well, just for once?
How can you miss someone you’ve never met?
Lennard’s words from earlier in the night echo in my mind. The cold-hearted façade I show the world has become my shield, my way of coping with the constant challenges life throws my way. It’s the mask I crafted during my high school years, a survival mechanism that helped me navigate through the chaotic mess that was my life.
Being bullied at school just to come home to be abused and bullied some more—I wouldn’t have survived that shit show if I hadn’t hardened myself to a point where everyone thinks I’m a cold-hearted bitch, not giving a fuck about anyone around me.
He said I have a heart of stone, but if I do, it’s a brittle one, already falling apart. Yet, there is no one around to help me pick up the pieces.
Silent tears stream down my face. It’s the closest thing to crying I can do anymore.
Maybe I’m becoming as numb as I pretend to be.
I’m not there yet. The pain is still too strong, too noticeable. But I can sense my true self slowly slipping away.
I whisper into the darkness, “Only two more years.”
The question that remains is whether or not there will be anything left of me by then.
SIX
While I don’t haveany fancy or formal attire, I decide it might be better to go to the internship as I am rather than give the impression of being well-dressed, only for them to see the real me the next day.
So, I opted for a black pair of jeans, my trusty black Converse shoes, and a black Henley. My hair is washed, shining, and looking good. I apply my makeup carefully, adding eyeliner and a dark lip tint.
But first, I have to endure my classes, and my anxiety keeps growing, causing me to tap my knee incessantly. The guy next to me keeps scowling at me for making the repetitive noise, but shooting him a scowl of my own makes him stop.
After class, Professor Summer waits for me at the door and offers a warm, encouraging smile. “You’re going to kick ass, Carolina,” she says with unexpected enthusiasm. My eyebrows shoot up. I’ve never heard her speak like that before. “Say hi to Sophia for me,” she adds with a wink before walking away, leaving me wondering who the fuck Sophia is.
