“Curse!”
“I’ll kill him,” I snarl, spittle flying from my lips.“I’ll kill him!I’ll fucking kill him!”
She touches my arm, and the shovel falls from my fingers.There’s fresh blood all over my hands.It’s mine.
“I’ll kill him,” I say again, even as Aurora takes me in her arms.Together, we collapse to the ground beside the grave.
“You can’t, love,” she murmurs, stroking my hair.“You don’t need to.He’s already dead.”
Chapter23
Aurora
Paulo helps me bring Curse into the cool, shady shelter of the old church, laying him down on a bench.I’m not sure if he’s asleep or unconscious.When I whisper his name and brush his soaked hair away from his face, he groans.Asleep, then.Or some awful version of sleep.
No doubt he needs it.I don’t know how bad his head injury is from the car accident.And when I came outside this morning, I found Alessandro’s body gone.That must have been a lot of physical exertion, to deal with that on his own.I know he’s used to doing that sort of work, but not after all the shit he just went through.
I’m so concerned about the state of Curse that I don’t worry about Paulo until he’s suddenly conspicuously absent.I jump up to my feet from my knees, heart staggering.Curse is completely covered in Alessandro’s blood.I just found him desecrating Carlo Messina’s grave, and there was another spot of obviously freshly disturbed dirt that has to belong to Alessandro.Has Paulo left to alert the authorities?
If he has, there’s nothing I can do about it now.Nothing besides remaining at Curse’s side.I won’t run.I won’t leave him.Never again.I sink back to my knees, only for Paulo to return a few minutes later with a bucket of cold water, a bar of soap, and at least a dozen rags.
“Thank you.Grazie,” I say in quiet wonder as he sets the bucket down.Is he really helping us?
He gives some noncommittal reply in Italian, seeming to indicate with his hands that I’m in charge of the bucket.While I dunk a rag into the fresh, cool water and then run it over Curse’s brow, Paulo gets to work removing Curse’s shoes and socks, and then his ruined trousers.Then, he helps lift Curse’s shoulders from the bench, so I can remove the blood- and sweat-soaked shirt.When Curse is wearing nothing but his underwear, I return to the bucket, soaking the cloth again and bringing it to his skin.
I clean him everywhere, using the soap Paulo provided when needed.Paulo doesn’t touch Curse again, but that’s alright.I don’t want him to.I want this to be only me.What Paulo does do, however, is continue refreshing the bucket whenever the water inside it gets too foul from the mixture of sweat, soap, and blood.Eventually, I remove Curse’s underwear, because even that is ruined, and I cleanse him there, too.On Paulo’s next return with fresh water, he also brings a thin blanket, which I gratefully receive and lay over Curse’s lap.
Curse’s body is clean now.I lift this new, fresh bucket of water and gently pour some of it through Curse’s hair, watching the water soften the strands.I try not to dump any on his face, but the bucket is heavy and unwieldy, and some does splash.Curse is in such a deep sleep that he doesn’t even stir.My arms shaking with the effort, I place the bucket back down, using the bar of soap to wash my own hands now.As I do so, I finally allow myself a moment to take in the interior of the church.
It’s old.Ancient.Not a soaring cathedral but a tiny stone building with a dirt floor, three rows of wooden pews, windows in each wall, and not much else.It feels more like a single-room cottage than a church.
Outside the window that looks out onto the sunny graveyard, movement catches my eye.Paulo is out there now, shoveling dirt back into Carlo Messina’s grave.That – the fact he’s cleaning up Curse’s mess – and the fact he’s helped us so much today, tells me that, for whatever reason, he’s decided not to turn us in.
So I allow myself to relax.I sit on the bench beside Curse, my head resting gently on his forehead.I sink into the steady pattern of his breathing while sun warms my skin.
Last night he learned everything.And just like I’d always dreamed…
He didn’t back away.He didn’t tell me I was dirty, I was broken, I was unworthy.He told me the words I’ve been longing to hear my whole life.He told me that he loves me.
The girl in my head was screaming while it happened.So loudly that the glass walls entirely shattered, falling in glittering dust at her feet.And I finally learned that she wasn’t screaming to stay hidden, wasn’t screaming for silence, wasn’t screaming at me to keep our secrets buried…
She was screaming to be let out.
I sit in the church with him, and I can’t remember the last time I felt so at peace.It’s so foreign to me that I don’t recognize it at first.It almost feels like emptiness.Like my body should be thrumming with fear, or loss, or need, orsomething.I’ve been on alert for so long that rest now feels wrong.Like I don’t know how to just exist.
But Curse is with me.And I will learn.
I must doze off, because when Paulo comes back next, the light has changed.It’s thick and warm, like honey.Paulo’s brought food with him – bread, meat, cheese, and fruit – as well as a large glass bottle of water and two cups.I thank him, and we eat quietly together as the sun sets.When we’re finished, Paulo says something to me, pointing at Curse, then the house.I think he’s asking if I want him to try to carry Curse back there for the night.But I shake my head.Curse needs more rest.I’m not willing to disturb him.We’ll stay here together tonight.I watch Paulo pull a rickety bicycle from somewhere behind the church, and leave for the night.
Alone now, I lay myself over my love, and sleep.
Chapter24
Aurora
“It’s time to wake up.”
I open my eyes to find Curse standing over me.He’s fully dressed in fresh clothes, and there’s a plate of food in his hand.The windows are pink with dawn.Though it’s early, Paulo must have already been here.
