“It’s unlikely that a head that size will do any major vaginal damage,” Dr. Feld deadpans. I doubt she meant for her words to be funny, but that doesn’t stop me from stifling a laugh, anyway.
“I know last time you were still unsure, so I want to ask again. Would you care to know the sex of the baby, or do you prefer to be surprised?”
Delilah looks at me before she answers. The moment is small, insignificant, but it’s everything to me. It’s a confirmation of our partnership, that we’re in this together. I give her a small nod.
“We were wondering if you’d write the sex down and put it in an envelope? We want to do something special.”
“Oh! A gender reveal party, how exciting!” Dr. Feld smiles brightly and scribbles the sex down on a piece of paper, shielding it from our view.
“No party, but I want Sadie to be involved when we find out.”
“We’re going to take the envelope to Miss Pattie’s and have her fill a cupcake with blue or pink icing.”Delilah and I both have issues with the rigid gender binary and won’t be shoving gendered anything on Little Bean, but we figured there’s no harm in Sadie finding out if she’s having a brother or sister in a fun way.
Dr. Feld finishes up her exam—Lilah and Little Bean are both healthy and right on track for where they should be at this stage in the pregnancy—and we’re on our way.
With our little secret in hand, we stop by the bakery for our goods. Miss Pattie is more than thrilled to fulfill our request, though she looked like she had to literally bite her tongue to keep from screaming boy or girl the moment she opened the envelope. We might not be able to leave the house until Sadie takes a bite of her cupcake because I’m sure Miss Pattie will blab the gender to half of Fox Hole before the day is out.
And back at Grandma Millie’s house, which somewhere along the way started to feel like home again, Delilah and I sit on opposite ends of the table, that little pink bakery box taunting us. Sadie is out with her grandparents and won’t be back for hours.
“I swear to the goddess, it’s taking all of my might not to rip that box open and tear the cupcake in half. This is harder than pilates,” I say, trying to cut through some of the tension. Delilah has been onedge ever since this morning, and it’s only gotten worse since we left Dr. Feld’s office. I don’t know if she’s more nervous about the cupcake or the plan Dottie Lynn is concocting with her billionaire pal, but her vibes are low as hell.
She nods absentmindedly, chewing on her bottom lip while tapping her fingers on the table.
“Alright, we need a distraction,” I say. “Should we play a board game? Or we could watch a movie? I can grab Sadie’s markers and you can color in my tattoos if you want. She says it’s relaxing?—”
“Are you my girlfriend?” Delilah blurts out, knocking the wind out of my sails. She covers her mouth with both hands and shakes her head. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.” My body moves of its own accord as I round the table and drop to my knees in front of her. She’s in a black sports skort and a pink sports bra, showing off her sweet bump and the belly button that has popped into an outie just this week. I slide one hand just under the hem of her skirt and the other one to her hip. Her skin is warm, golden from the sun and stretched beautifully over her growing body. She’s magnificent, a miracle, a goddess amongst mortals.
I love her. I’m in love with her.
“Do you want me to be your girlfriend, Lilah baby?”
“I…” she starts, sinking her teeth into her plump, pink bottom lip once again. I don’t push her to speak, I only drag my thumbs back and forth in slow, soothing arches while she collects her thoughts. “I asked you to be, that first night, before we—” Her cheeks flush a brilliant, adorable shade of pink. “At least, I thought I did. But you never said anything and we already do everything together, anyway. The only thing that’s changed is that we’re sleeping together now, and I don’t know what that means. Are we friends who hook up? Are we lovers who hang out? Am I just some crazy chick who wants to have the ‘what are we?’ talk?”
For the good of Delilah’s emotions, I press my lips into a thin line to keep from laughing. Not at her, of course, but at how adorable she is when she’s flustered.
“I’m your girlfriend, Delilah, and you’re mine. I’m sorry if I never gave you a clear answer to that. I thought it was obvious, but I should’ve been paying more attention to you. You want to have the ‘what are we?’ talk? Let’s have it, because you are everything to me. You are my best friend, my lover, my rock. You’re my girlfriend, the woman I want to come home to every night. You are the mother to the children I think of as mine. ‘Girlfriend’ isn’t even a big enough word to encompass all that you are tome, but until they think of something bigger or I get a ring on your finger, it’ll have to do. There’s only you, Delilah. I think it’s always been that way for me. Why I’ve stayed single, never let the women I’ve dated get too close. There was a part of me that knew it was just you.”
“I think it’s always been you for me, too.”
My lip quivers and I shake my head. I trust that Delilah cares for me romantically now, but I’m not foolish enough to think it's always been that way.
“You don’t have to do that. Don’t rewrite history just to make me feel better about my choices. They’re my choices, and I’d make them over and over again because they led us here.”
“I’m serious. I shoved so much of it down but…remember senior prom? We went together but when it came time to slow dance…”
“Jonny Wade asked you to dance, and I urged you to say yes.”
Delilah nods, her tongue swiping out over her lower lip.
“The song that was playing was Collide by Howie Day. I’ll never forget it. Every time I hear it on the radio, I swear I get transported right back to the Fox Hole Inn ballroom. I was in that hot pink, ruffled monstrosity of a dress, swaying back and forth while Jonny kept inching his hands closer and closer to myass. I always thought he was so hot and it was the closest I’d come to getting felt up. I should’ve been so excited. But all I kept thinking was how you were watching from the edge of the dance floor. That you were the one wearing a pink tie to match my dress. You’d bought the carnation corsage on my wrist, you smelled like cherry blossoms when I pinned the matching boutonniere to your lapel. I wanted it to be you trying to slyly grab my ass. The thought scared the shit out of me, but that’s the first time I knew.
“I’m not saying this because I think you regret your choices. I certainly can’t regret mine.” She gives Little Bean a light tap through her taut belly. “I’m telling you this now because that moment at the prom was when I started lying to you and myself about who I was and how I felt. I can’t do lies anymore. I’m too old, too ingrained in us. If we’re doing this, we have to be honest with each other. I can’t get into another relationship where I’m blindsided by the truth.”
“Done. You know I never lie to you Lilah. I don’t plan on starting now.” Well, technically I haven’t told her yet about all of my long-term plans. She doesn’t know that I’ll be signing the papers to purchase The Inkwell and the space next door in a few days, or that I’ve brought Devi on as a partner at Lilith & Lace and that I’ll be stepping into a silent partner role at myNashville shop. But I don’t think of that as a lie. I’m going to tell her soon, I’m just withholding information until things are more settled. I know Delilah, and there’s only so much excitement she can take at once before she starts to lose it. Once Dottie Lynn’s plan is in motion and Stephen starts construction on both the house and the businesses, I’ll lay it all out on the table.
“Okay, well,” she blows out a breath. “There is something else I’ve been keeping from you, though.”
My stomach drops and my next breaths come in rapid succession, but I try not to let my anxiety show on my face.
