It's a good thing I’ve been pretending for twenty years. I’m a fucking expert at this point.
“Then you’re doing the right thing, Lilah. And I’m going to be right by your side the whole damn time.”
“Just like you always are,” Delilah grins, sitting up so she can lean her head against my shoulder. I lie my head on top of hers, her silky brown locks tickling my cheeks. She smells like strawberries and dryshampoo, and I want to bury my face in her scalp and inhale her like a drug.
But friends don’t sniff their friends' hair. And besides, Lilah and I have work to do.
“And I will also be here forOperation Goodbye Earl,” I say, patting her thigh as I pull myself away.
“Operation Goodbye Earl?”
“I was gonna name itOperation The Earl Has To Die,but I figured that wouldn’t look good if either of us had to defend ourselves in a court of law.”
“Smart.”
I make quick work of connecting my laptop to the flat-screen TV I hung on the wall this weekend since I know how much Delilah loves to watch romantic comedies in bed. With all the cords in the right place, I turn my attention to the bed, where Delilah has curled up under the covers. She’s lying on her hip, one bent to prop her head up in her hand while the other lies on top of the sage green comforter, her fingers drawing small circles over the side of her leg.
My mouth goes dry, but I push down the pesky reminder of attraction and pull the laser pointer I picked up in the pet section of the grocery store this afternoon out of my back pocket. Pointing the dot to the slide projected on the television screen, I begin my presentation.
“Welcome to ‘Operation Goodbye Earl’. I am yourhost, Ivy Ann Crowe, henceforth to be known as ‘Poison Ivy’. You,” I swing the red dot towards Delilah. “Will henceforth be known as ‘Loathsome Lilah’.”
“Why do I have to be loathsome?”
“It’s supposed to be ironic because you’re anything but loathsome. And there are no good evil words that start with ‘L’, so deal with it. Now, let’s begin. Here is what we know about Earl Ellis Booth.”
“Okay, but these are just code names for the presentation, right? You’re not actually going to expect me to call you Poison Ivy, are you? Cause I’m just about fed up with dumbass nicknames in my life.”
“Shh,” I say, pressing a finger to my lips. “Question and answer time comes later.”
I click the space key on my laptop, bringing up the next slide titled ‘Bitch-ass Earl’. Each of my items is brought up one at a time with a click of a key and its own bullet point.
“Earl Ellis Booth is a little bitch. He is a cheating, lying, conniving, sniveling little shit who fucks around behind his wife’s back despite knowing that she is the best thing that has ever happened to his otherwise sad and pathetic existence. He is an absent father. He has never been to one of his daughter’s recitals, school plays, or soccer games. He’s a shadybusinessman, and everyone who has ever had to have their oil changed or brakes repaired at his shop hates his guts. He has an inefficient penis. Earl Ellis Booth has never once brought his wife to orgasm. He couldn’t find the clit if someone held his hand and guided him to it.” That point has Delilah barking out a laugh and a smirk twitching at the corner of my lips.
I actually don’t find it funny at all that the man never gave a shit about his wife’s pleasure, but the fact that Delilah can laugh about it makes me feel better. That, and the best friend's knowledge that Lilah is a pro at finishing herself off in the shower after Earl falls asleep. I can sleep soundly knowing she hasn’t gone completely orgasm-less during her marriage, even if all her orgasms have been handcrafted, so to speak.
“And finally, Earl Ellis Booth has three great loves.” I click the spacebar to bring up his next slide. “One, his hair. I don’t get it, but apparently the heterosexual ladies love the early aughts Brad Pitt look. Two, his gaudy, cheap sports cars, because nothing says ‘I peaked in high school’ like leasing a Nissan Z and forgoing air conditioning in your home during the summer to afford their car payments. And three, himself. Nothing in the world is more important to Earl Ellis Booth than his over-inflated sense of pride and his reputation. Or his perceived reputation, as it were, since he’s oblivious to the fact that half the town already can’t stand his guts.”
“Okay, so we know Earl is obsessed with himself and his cars. How does that help us knock him down a few pegs?” Delilah asks, and my smile unfurls across my face.
“I’m so glad you asked, Lilah.” Another click of the key, and each bullet point is struck out one by one. “Earl weaponized your love for him against you, so the two of us will weaponize his love for himself against him. Unfortunately we can’t actually kill him. Neither of us watches enough crime shows to get away with murder, and the state of Tennessee plays it pretty fast and loose with the death penalty. Not worth the risk when we have kids to raise.
“But we can ruin him. I’m talking levels upon levels of petty revenge to make his life miserable. Nair in his shampoo. Sugar in his gas tank. Glitter in the air vents at the garage. We can hide ham and jam sandwiches under the seats of his car and let them rot. We can print out screenshots of every shitty text message and email he’s ever sent you and paste them around town. The possibilities are endless, Lilah. And the best part is he’ll never be able to trace it back to us.”
Delilah sits up, intrigue crossing her delicate features.
“How would he not trace it back to us? Earl might be an asshole, but he’s not a complete idiot.”
“Ah, that’s where you’re wrong. See, Earl can speculate that we’re the masterminds behind his downfall all he wants, but the truth is that you and I are smarter, faster, and we have the backing of the town on our side. No one is going to rat us out because everyone we know wants to see Earl fall, too.” If my conversation with Miss Pattie today taught me anything, it’s that given the choice to take sides, Fox Hole will be on Delilah’s. In fact, I bet I can get Miss Pattie in cahoots with us, too. And with the acting town matriarch on our side, Delilah and I will be unstoppable.
“Oh my god,” Delilah laughs, pressing a hand to her mouth, her eyes darting back and forth between the TV screen and me. “You’re like a real-life Janice Ian!”
“Ah, Janice Ian. A lesbian and petty revenge icon for the ages, I love it.” I crawl back into bed, lying on my side to face Delilah. “If only I could arrange for Earl to get hit by a school bus. That would make this whole situation quite cinematic.”
“Maybe Bob Linden will take one for the team and hit Earl on one of his rideshare trips. Hisminivan isn’t as big as a bus, but it could still do some damage.”
We burst into a fit of giggles, only shushing each other when my abs start to ache.
“So what do you say, Lilah?” I ask when we’ve finally caught our breath.
