It feels impossible, but I have to try, or I’m no better today than I was yesterday.
“When is the surgery? I want to be there.”
Mom gives one more squeeze and goes back to her seat. “It’s in two weeks.”
“Two weeks?” I blurt, my incredulous stare dancing from one to the other. I don’t know what I expected. When there’s cancer involved, things probably move pretty quickly, but I’ve never dealt with this before.
Dad puts his hand over Mom’s in a show of unity, his eyes apologetic. “We knew you had a lot going on and didn’t want to bother you until we knew the plan.”
“Jesus, Dad. You guys aren’t a bother.” I shouldn’t take my frustration out on him. I’m the one I’m mad at. I’m the one who led them to believe they were an inconvenience.
Fuck, I’ve been selfish.
“Well, now you know,” he says in his dad voice, warning me to calm down. “We can get you all the details, but for right now, we’d love to just spend some time together, okay?”
I exhale out years of frustration and nod. “Yeah, that sounds good. How about I grab the meat so you can get those burgers cooking?”
They both beam at me.
The fact that I was the reason Elio was taken never darkened their view of me. I wasn’t able to save my brother—I never even found the other man who was responsible for Elio’s death—and I got myself thrown in prison for arson in the process. None of it mattered.
I truly can do no wrong in their eyes, and it’s the one thing that gives me hope that I might be able to redeem myself someday. They would say I already have—hell, they would say there’s nothing to atone for—but I’m the one I need to convince. The question is, how?
As much as I’d like to wallow in my shortcomings, I do the right thing for once and give them what they’ve asked for. We have burgers, and they update me on news of extended family. Mom rats out Dad’s home repair mishaps, and we all have a good laugh.
The time we spend together helps, but the lingering melancholy resurfaces on my way home. I know that berating myself won’t help. I try to lock those thoughts away, though my efforts are lackluster at best.
Terina is all smiles when I pick her up from Cosimo’s house. A few minutes in the car with me sucks the joy right off her face. I ask her questions and try not to bring her down, but a woman’s intuition is too adept to avoid. She senses my discomfit and retreats inside herself. That only spurs on my frustrations.
By the time we get home, I decide it’s best to be alone and sequester myself in the gym. I hit the heavy bag until my back and legs ache. It’s a punishing workout, and I deserve every minute.
I sit on the weight bench when I’m done, elbows resting heavily on my thighs, and do something I rarely let myself do. I think about my brother.
It’s no wonder I fall short so often when the best half of me died years ago.
I miss him every goddamn day. I’ve never truly learned to live without him. I try, but the man I pretend to be is just a shell of the man I was.
Elio wouldn’t want me to give up.
He would want me to keep trying and live the best life possible, so for him, I’ll do it. I’ll keep fighting and hope that one day, I’ll feel worthy of the love my family feels for me.
CHAPTER 49
TERINA
Present
I sitin the living roomand listen tothe faint sounds ofDiAngeloworking out at the opposite end of the apartment.The yawning emotional distance between us makes me feel likehe’son the other end of the planet, and I hate it.
After talking withIsa, I feel a tiny bit more confident aboutopening upto him, so whenthe room goes silent, I head back to find him.My heart contracts at the sight of himsitting on thebench,his head hung low.He’sworked himselfharder than usual.Andthat’ssaying something, consideringit’shis second workout for the day, and his leg is still healing.
Something’s eating at him. That wasn’t the case last night before I shut down his advances. Ever since, he’s been withdrawn. It’s safe to assume I’m at least part of the reason he’s upset. I want to do what I can to fix this, but holy crap, am I nervous.
“Hey,” I say softlyfrom the doorway to announce my appearance.
He lifts his gaze just enough to seeme through his thick lashes. “Hey.”
“Not sure if you have plans for supper. I’d be happy to make something for us.”
