I nod again. “Not often anymore, but when I get overwhelmed, it’s the one thing that gives me peace.”
“And does it leave marks?” There’s sorrow in her kind blue eyes, and it guts me.
“Yes,” I breathe, eyes closing. “I know it’s awful?—”
Her hand returns to mine, prompting me to reopen my eyes. A gentle smile tugs at her lips.
“Rina, I’m so proud of you for telling me. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been living with all this for so long.”
There’s not a trace of horror or disgust in her words. No judgment in her eyes. She’s accepted the absolute worst of me without a hint of rejection.
The relief pours out of me in a burst of violent sobs.
I press my hands over my face and surrender to the emotions. My sweet friend Isa wraps her arms around me and holds me tight.
“You are so strong, Rina. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.” She whispers soothing words of encouragement until my torrent of tears settles to a gentle sprinkle.
“I’ve been so worried that if anyone knew, they’d think I was broken,” I admit once I’ve recovered.
“Anyone who knows you at all knows how strong you are. Admitting you’re struggling is a strength. You’re not broken. You’re a survivor.”
Her choice of words strikes a chord in a good way. “I am.” The threat of more tears burns the back of my throat, but I resist with a sniffle. “Do you think … do you think DiAngelo would see it that way?”
Her gentle smile is a warm blanket around my shoulders. “You have feelings for him, don’t you?”
I bite on the inside of my cheek as I weigh my answer, then nod. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this, but I can’t seem to stop it. He means a lot to me, and I’m terrified that if I tell him what I told you, I’ll lose him.”
“I’d say that if he’s dumb enough to walk away, then it wasn’t meant to be. The right person for you will love you exactly as you are.”
My breathing hitches, then morphs into a laugh. “God, you’re good at this stuff. Why didn’t I say something sooner?”
Isa’s wide grin softens before she responds. “We’ve all got our demons. Recognizing that makes accepting those around us that much easier. No one’s perfect.”
Her own struggles reflect in her eyes, locked away where I can’t reach them. I wish I could convince her to tell me so that she can experience this newfound freedom I’ve discovered, but she knows I’m ready to listen. She’s simply not ready to share. And that’s okay. I’ll be here when that day comes.
I squeeze her hand. “Thanks, Isa.”
“Have you ever considered talking to someone like a counselor?” she asks gently.
“Yes and no. I’ve always been worried I’d say something that would get my family in trouble.”
“What if it was your mom who was struggling? Would you want her to get help or stay quiet?”
I blink, her question so simple yet so profound. “I’d want her to get help, of course.”
Isa smiles. “I bet she’d say the same for you.”
I nod and sniffle. “Well, then. I guess if that’s decided, it’s time for some chocolate. What are the chances there’s any in the house?”
“Are you kidding?” She beams. “Daddy always keeps some Ferrero Rocher in his office. Come on.” We walk hand in hand in search of chocolate like two little girls without a care in the world. My heart feels ten years younger and lighter than it has in years.
I can’t guarantee that DiAngelo will welcome me with open arms once I tell him the truth. But I think that even if he doesn’t, I might still be okay. Hopefully, that gives me the courage I need to finally lay myself bare.
The time for secrets is over.
Fear and shame have no home here.
CHAPTER 48
