Lightning fast, I put a second hole in the wall next to the first.
I don’t even let myself shake out my hand afterward. I don’t deserve relief from the pain. Especially when, after everything that just happened, I desperately want more of her. Have I lostmy fucking mind? Am I so damn selfish that I’d rather hurt her beyond repair than deny myself?
I’m not sure I want to answer that question because seductive whispers in the back of my mind already threaten to twist reality with acrobatic rationalizations.
I want to think I could keep her safe from the worldandmyself. That if she were mine, pain would never touch her. But those are bold proclamations.
Are you willing to risk her life on that gamble?
Her physical and emotional well-being are at stake. No matter how naturally she responds to me or how desperately I want to possess her, I don’t want my mistakes to harm her. I already care for her too much to risk her like that.
If you care so much, maybe you should get your head out of your ass and check on her.
Shit.
That’s exactly what I should be doing. I had to take a minute to calm myself after the call with Tommy, but it’s time to grow a pair and repair the damage I’ve caused.
I cross the house to the primary bedroom and see that Terina has shut herself in the bathroom.
I knock gently on the door. “You okay?”
That’s it? That’s the best you have?
I know I should apologize. I should do something, but my damn throat won’t cooperate.
“Yeah, just going to get in the shower,” she calls back. Her voice is thin and hollow. Despite what she says, she is not okay.
I wish I could punch myself in the dick. This is what happens when I make bad choices.
“Shae went into labor,” I tell her. “Everyone is going to the hospital.”
“Yeah, okay. I’ll be ready to go once I take a quick shower.”
I stare at the door and berate myself for being a chickenshit coward. I should force the damn thing open and insist on showering with her. I should comfort her and make sure she understands no one will look down on her. I don’t do either of those things for one main reason: it will only string along what never should have happened in the first place.
What if the phone screwup had instead been a life-threatening mistake? What if I’d missed clocking an attempt on her life because I was too busy admiring her evergreen eyes or giving her my coat so she didn’t get cold?
She would be dead right now.
Holding back isn’t cowardice. It’s selflessness. I’m doing her a favor by not endearing myself. This can’t continue.
“We’ll head out in thirty minutes,” I respond tonelessly. “That enough time?”
“Yeah.”
I need to get my head on straight. And no matter how tempting it is to finish the raging hard-on that still hasn’t fully calmed, there’s no way in hell that’s happening. Even if it means a case of blue balls so intense that my dick falls off. If she has to be hurt, I damn well should be in pain, too.
She doesn’t deserve any of this.
She was sheer perfection—the way she presented herself for me. Her courage and trust.
And I fucked her over royally, proving that I am completely unworthy.
“I fucked up,Terina, on a massive scale. I want you to know that it won’t happen again.” I force myself to say the words I’verehearsed in my head for the past half an hour. “I’ve realized what a huge mistake it was to cross that line with you.”
The click of her seat belt buckling ricochets through the air.
“Definitely, I totally agree.” Her ready reply should be a relief. Instead, irritation slithers under my skin. “Um … do you know how much he heard?” she asks quietly.
