“So, what happens now? You two play house and she becomes my new mommy?”
I cross my arms over my chest and stare at my son. This is terrible. “I don’t know what this is, Adam. I don’t know how to make sense of what’s happened between Ellie and I. I know in your eyes it’s wrong. I know I’ve hurt you, and I’m sorry for that.”
“Not sorry enough to dump her.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I realize this is awkward for you, and I know it’s going to take time for you to come around again, but I love her. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me.”
A black bird caws overhead as my son shakes his head and stares down at the ground, kicking the lavender dust. “I doubt I’ll be shipping out now, given the criminal record I’m about to have,” he groans. “Looks like you’re stuck with me.”
“Do you want to be stuck here?”
“Fuck no!”
“I can talk to Josie to see about dropping the charges, given you go clean the place up and pay for the damages. We’ve known her long enough that I think she’ll cut us some slack if we offer her something extra in return. She’s been wanting a new mixer. I might be able to sweeten the pot.” I step toward my son, my heart hung out on my sleeve. “I love you, and I don’t expect forgiveness, but I need you to know that no matter what, I’ll always be here for you.”
I’m within arm’s reach of him now, and part of me is expecting a punch, given the fact that I deserve it, though it doesn’t happen. Instead, he hangs his head and draws his gaze up slowly, the sun casting lines across his face. “When momdied, I was too young to understand why she left. Why she overdosed. Why she chose those other people over me. I spent most of my life wondering if her death was somehow my fault, like maybe the pressure of being a mom drove her to drugs. I never told you that, but I feel like you knew it and you overcompensated for her absence. You made me feel like I was your world. You coached the baseball team, you showed up at the scout bake sales with brownies, and you never left my side when I was sick. I felt like the center of your universe, and it was great, but I always felt like something was missing and it was my fault.”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Adam, my son, it wasn’t your fault, the same way it wasn’t mine. It took a long time and a lot of conversations with people to know that your mom was lost when it happened. We married and had you young, but your mom felt like she was missing out on her youth. Getting married and having a baby was exciting, but after the dust settled, she was married to a Marine who was gone more times than not, and she saw her friends having carefree lives. She would tell me this, but I didn’t expect her to turn to drugs to find what she was looking for.”
I reach out for my son, landing my hand on his shoulder. “I wish things had been different for you, and I see now that I should have had this conversation with you when you were younger. I had a lot of people to talk to about your mother, and I regret that you did this all on your own.”
I lower my head slightly and say, “You’ve always been my world and I love you, but now I need you to find room in it for Ellie and I. She found a spot in my heart that I thought was dead, and now I can’t let her go. Nothing happened between us while you two were together, but since then, she’s become someone I can’t live without. I want you to be a part of our lives, but if you can’t accept this situation at all, I understand.”
“You deserve love, Dad, and as much as this pisses me off, I want you to be happy.” He nods toward me as he walks to his truck. “It’s going to take me some time to get used to, but maybe by the time I get back from boot camp it won’t sound so fucking disgusting.”
My chest warms as I follow behind him, making my way back toward the cabin. I’m not sure what I expected, and I’d have liked everything to have ended with a hug, but I’m not sure that’s very realistic.
He climbs up into his truck, the door groaning before he gives me a small nod. It’s nothing dramatic, but as the engine rumbles to life and he pulls away, that small nod hits me differently, like maybe there’s a chance these pieces can still fit together.
“You ok?” I turn back toward Ellie and take her in, kissing her forehead softly, breathing in the vanilla in her hair. “Yes, all good. I think he’ll come around.”
“Really?” She narrows her brows inward as she says, “That’s amazing.”
“Yeah.” I pull my girl against my chest. “I’m sure the road will be bumpy, but maybe not as bad as we thought. What about you? How are you feeling?”
“Well,” she narrows her eyes sharply, “while you were telling Adam, I decided to tell my parents before they heard it somewhere else. They’re requesting dinner tonight.”
My chest tightens. “Then we’ll go to dinner. I’m sure they have a lot of questions. How’d they sound?”
“Umm,” she bites back a grin, “not great. My mom sounded confused and my dad didn’t say a word.” Leaves rustle in the oak behind us as she says, “It’s my sister and your brother who are going to be a pain in the ass. Did you know she’s been babysitting for Cash? I was razzing her about finding a real job and she said he offered her a nanny position.”
I shake my head and roll my eyes. “Nanny? He’s always talking shit about people that have nannies.” A laugh escapes. “Those two are going to have a field day talking shit about us. My brother thinks I’ve lost it.”
“Have you?” She grins and stares up at me, her pretty brown eyes reflecting the light from the sun.
“I reckon I lost it the day I met you, and I’m okay with that. Also,” I tuck her tiny hand into mine and guide her toward the barn, “I wanted to show you something.”
We slip around the side, boots brushing through the grass as the barn’s shadow gives way to the open field. Back here, the air shifts to something warmer, sweeter.
The moment we clear the fence, the scent hits. Her breath catches and her fingers tighten around mine. “Lavender!”
“Three acres of lavender and two of the coneflower.” I nod toward the beehives I built last season. “This extra space was set up for honey. No bees yet, but the hives are ready.”
She steps forward, letting her free hand skim the tops of the plants, sun catching in her hair. “I can’t believe you planted all this.”
“It’s all yours. I meant what I said. I’ll support you while you get this started. I can help with whatever you need.”
Her eyes widen as she stares up at me. “I don’t know what to say.”
