Chaeji smooths her long hair, then flips it over her shoulder. “Yes, very much so. My agent says that netizen perception of me has improved very favorably since we’ve been seen together.”
“Great, that’s good for you,” I comment, scooping up a bite of the makgeolli ice cream in front of me. “Then you reallywon’t be ‘needing’ me anymore.”
She lets my words linger as she takes a sip of her wine. “How’s your boyfriend?”
The effect on me is immediate. I’ve never been easily rattled, but the mere mention of Sun is enough to make me see red. I know I can’t lash out, but I give her a terse response. “No. You don’t get to know anything about that part of my life.”
“I was just ask—”
I cut her off with a shake of my head. “No, you weren’t. That was basically rage bait.”
“Rage bait?” Chaeji looks at me for what seems like a very long time, carefully considering everything from my expression to the way I’m sitting on the edge of my chair, tensed up. “I can tell you really do care a lot about him.”
“Does that change things somehow? Does it make you feel bad about what you’re doing?” I challenge her. “I didn’t agree to this arrangement because Iwantedto help you. I am literally only in this for what I need to protect, because that’s what’s important to me.”
“It wasn’t my idea,” she says, out of nowhere. “Following you, I mean. I didn’t think anything would come of it. I knew you were always busy with work, and I hadn’t seen you date anyone else recently. I wasn’t expecting… him.”
I wasn’t either, I think to myself. But that’s not what makes me most curious about what she’s telling me. I still don’t want to talk about him with her. I want to keep everything about Sun as far away from this situation as possible. “But you still did it.”
“I did. And if it’s worth anything, Iamsorry.” Chaeji looks contrite, and for the first time since the beginning of this, I feel like there might be some shred of compassion or sincerity in her. Reaching into her tiny handbag, she pulls out her phone and sets it on the table. “I felt desperate. Replaceable. Irrelevant. All of those things I fear the most. I really did need a knight in shining armor.”
“Or a low-level executive in a decent suit,” I correct.
She taps the passcode into her phone and swipes a few times before sliding it across the table to me. I can see a picture of me and Sun on the screen as she says, “I never sent them anywhere else; I promise. There they are. Delete them.”
I’m shocked at the sudden change of heart, but waste no time in getting rid of the pictures and emptying the recently deleted folder. Why would she offer up the one thing I was fighting for so easily? Handing her phone back, I ask, “Why?”
Chaeji’s eyes dart to the side and she blinks like she might be getting emotional. “I can’t sit here and think about all the things I like about you and might hope for while I try to pretend it’s not blatantly obvious that you’re in love with someone else. I told myself this was convenient for both of us, and maybe it could benefit both me and you somehow, but it should be on terms we both agreed to. Not because I have something to hold over your head.”
“If only you had come at it like that in the beginning,” I say, wondering if it would have made a difference back then, when I wasn’t in so deep with Sun.
“I don’t think it would have mattered,” she tells me. “I knew you didn’t want me. And you didn’t have anything to lose at that point.”
I raise an eyebrow, curious. “What do you mean by that?”
“You weren’t with him then, were you?” she questions, leaning in and speaking a little quieter. “When you turned me down after that first interview where I was talking about you.”
Even though I said I wouldn’t bring him into this, she’s got me wondering where this is headed. “No, not really.”
She smiles a little, but it’s not a happy one. “I guess you don’t realize that it shows. The way you’ve changed since then. Your whole aura is different. Tonight, especially. It feels like something shifted with you or in you. Like you’re more settled or sure of what you have with him now. Your energy gives itaway.” She pauses again, but follows up with. “I want that. For it to be obvious that I’m sharing a kind of vibe with someone and it’s off when they’re not around.”
I honestly don’t know what to say to her. This psychic-level read she’s just done on me is messing with my head. Of course I feel off; I want to be with Sun now. All the time. I’d rather be literally anywhere with him than here with her. Or anywhere else with anyone. I recognize how true every thought is as it comes through, and I just want to go home and tell him.
When I’ve been quiet too long, she grabs her purse. “Let’s go, yeah? You probably need to go call him or see him.”
I don’t miss the waver in her voice. She’s sad. I take care of the bill and even hold my hand out to her when I see photographers waiting outside the door for us. The ride we share back to her place is awkwardly silent, her asking if she can text me later and me agreeing. She exits the car in a hurry, telling the driver to take me wherever I want to go. I give him my address and spend the rest of my time in the backseat staring out the window, thinking.
The photos are, theoretically, gone. I can choose to believe her saying those were the only ones or not. I don’t know whether any of what she said was the truth. I’m not sure how I would ever really know.
Does she actually feel bad about what she did? Possibly.
Can she really see that I’m in love?
I feel different, so maybe Iamdifferent.
Back at my apartment, I’m calling Sun before I’ve even got the door unlocked.
“Are you home?” he asks the moment he answers, even without greeting me.
