What if he’s right?
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I hear Grace’s voice again, talking about wild cards. The game changer.
Is that what I need now—to play a totally different hand? I’m not even a card guy, but the analogy seems to fit. If you pull an ace, you have to play it at the right time. That much I understand. Maybe now is my time. I can try something new and different and still be me. This decision doesn’t have to change anything about who I am, other than who I’m dating.
As I contemplate all the mixed up feelings I’ve had lately about everything from love to loneliness, the answer feels like it’s hanging right over my head.
Dangling itself in front of my eyes.
Sliding my phone out of my pocket, I text Jase and ask if he’s available for lunch.
I need comfort food and a conversation with the only person who knows the whole story.
I’ll have to tell Grace eventually. If she doesn’t already know. I’ve wondered about the bouquet Yung-Sun brought her more than once.
Suddenly, I am aware of how much of my life he’s already a part of. How easy it would be to let him slip into the rest of the spaces.
I hear the notification and look to see Jase has responded. Hecan meet me in about an hour.
Jumping back up, I decide that’s just enough time to have one more soul search on my way to the restaurant.
“Grace, I’m going out. Do you want me to bring anything back for you?” I ask on my way past her desk.
“You know what I like,” she replies with a raised eyebrow that suggests I should have known better than to even consider coming back without something for her. “Tell Jase I said hi.”
“How…” I don’t even finish the question, because I don’t need an answer. I should just accept that she knows everything. “Grace, without any context, yes or no?”
“Yes,” she says, immediately. “Whatever has got you all in your head, just do it or go for it. Whichever applies. You wouldn’t be thinking about it so much if you didn’t want it. I spend a lot of time with you, and I know how you are. Stop trying to tell yourself you can’t or couldn’t or shouldn’t. Let yourself have it.”
I don’t know how to respond to her nailing everything so succinctly. So I nod and give her a little bow.
Forget flowers and coffee—I’m going to have to buy her a diamond.
TEN
KIJA
“So.” Jase says, breaking the silence that has stretched so long it’s become awkward. “Here we are.”
I nod. “Yep.”
“I mean, I’m never going to turn down the best gochujang udon on this side of Seoul, but, uh, what are we doing?” he asks, tapping at my hand with the non-eating end of his chopstick.
We’d been here, our favorite hole-in-the-wall noodle place, The Leafy Dragon, so often back in the day that the ahjussi who ran the restaurant would see us come in and start making our food without even asking. I had heard he finally retired a couple of years ago, but his son is definitely doing a good job following in his impressively seasoned footsteps. “I wanted lunch?”
Jase snorts. “So you came halfway across the city to this place when you have a thousand options mere steps from your fancy office?”
“You just said it was the best,” I start, but he cuts me off.
“No, you wanted this specific food because it’s your comfort go-to which means something is going on in your head that you, one, don’t know what to do with, and two, are trying to avoid.” Jase settles back against the cracked plastic of thebooth seat and folds his arms, daring me to argue with him.
I don’t, of course, because I can’t. He’s right.
Frowning, I look out the ancient window. “Sometimes I wish you didn’t know me so well,” I lie.
He laughs this time. “Sure. Keep telling yourself that.” Pausing for our bowls to be set on the table, he gives a nod to the server and then focuses on me again. “Are you going to tell me or should I guess? Because I’m pretty sure I’m only going to need one.”
“I’m just... I think… I’m confused?” I didn’t mean for it to be a question, but maybe it is. I don’t know that I can fully identify how I feel right now.
