“Spying is not the same as knowing,” I insisted, even as my stomach churned with the idea that he might be right.
“Isn’t it? Have I not been privy to a thousand solitary moments where you said things to a plant or an insect that you would never say to another human?”
“Those things were…were supposed to be private…” I breathed, embarrassment burning me from head to toe. But Devil lifted my chin again, his brows knitting together in concern.
“You feel ashamed that I was listening?” he said, his voice gentle. “You shouldn’t. I see all of you, May, and Iadoreit. I adore the woman who speaks to bugs, and sings to her plants to keep them growing strong. I live for the womanwho is thirsty to see justice in the world but fears she might be helpless to bring it about. I am madly,wildlyin love with the woman who doubts her faith and keeps it anyway, because it makes her feel less alone. That is who you are, and I would never have you any other way.”
Traitorous tears filled my eyes and I turned my body away to hide them. It was as if he had pulled a dusty book down from a neglected shelf inside me and tenderly memorized each page. No one had ever spoken to me like this. Not even Will. To make matters worse, it was all I could ever remember wanting—to truly be seen and known, and still loved. But being presented with it in such a direct way opened up a well of terror and doubt inside me.
“How can you say such things?” I muttered.
“What else would you have me say? I can only speak the truth, andthisis my truth, May: I love you. All of you. I have always loved you, and I—”
“Stop!” I cried, pushing myself away from him across the blanket. “Please, Devil. Please, stop. I…I cannot return your feelings.” He laughed again, and I looked back at him in horror.
“I do not expect you to return my feelings!” he said loudly. “Is that what worries you? My expectations?”
“Y-yes!” I stammered. “Why confess all this if you do not want reciprocation?”
He gaped at me. “Oh, May, of course I want it, but I would never expect or demand it from you. Is this what you put up with from human men? Listen to me. I wasmadefor you, and so I could not hate or abandon you if I tried. As a lover, as a faithful protector, as a lowly servant, it matters not—however you would have me, I amyours.” Carefully, with his eyes pinned on me, he sat on his knees and moved closer, extending a hand. I did not reach out to take it, but nor did I shake him away when he touched my shoulder.
All I wanted was to lean against him, allow myself to drown in the idea that helovedme,allof me, and nothing could change that. But my doubtful heart held back. After all, how could a creature who had never truly been loved—who did not even possess a real heart—understand what it meant? I knew, and had witnessed, that he’d only been tossed scraps of affection his entire life, and I also knew that starving people often ate too much, too quickly when they finally found food again.
But this knowledge only brought me to the realization that I cared for him too. Perhaps I couldn’t call it love, but whatever it was had bound us together since before we were even born. It had caused me to defend him against Oberon twice now, and it kept drawing us back together whenever we were apart. I faced him again, with that invisible thread tugging, then pulling me against his chest. Theirregular pulse beneath his ribs was strangely comforting, even if it was a reminder of how different we really were.
“You made that much harder than it needed to be, Mayhem,” he whispered as he gathered me in his arms and kissed the top of my head.
“Well…Ididtell you I was going to make your life miserable.”
“If this is misery, then I am the most wretched thing in all creation.” With a satisfied sigh, he laid back on the blanket, keeping an arm around me so I was forced to fall with him. I put my head on his chest again and gently clutched his shirt between my fingers, but with our comfortable silence came that same tiny voice in the back of my mind.
This is wrong,it whispered.Hecan’tlove you. He doesn’t know how, and you will end up with another broken heart. Oberon will be angry—maybe angry enough to hurt him, and you will hurt him too. You don’t love him, and you’re a fool for taking comfort in something so unnatural, something that can never see the light of day.I shook my head a little, trying to rid myself of the unwelcome thoughts.
“What is it?” Devil mumbled, moving his hand up my back to play with my white braid and its green glass bead. I very nearly lied, told him it was just an insect, but I knew the only way to silence the thoughts was to prove them wrong.
“How can you be so sure of this? Of everything?” I asked him. “Don’t you ever feel…doubt?”
“What purpose would that serve?”
I burst out laughing and pushed myself up to see his face. “It isn’t something you can control! It just…it justhappens. It creeps into your mind like a weed. Like the Rot…” Devil put one hand behind his head, propping it up so our eyes could meet. His fingers drifted from my hair to my jaw, and his thumb ran over my bottom lip.
“I suppose I am not made that way,” he said, “but even so, I could never doubt this, and you shouldn’t either. I promise, May, if you are only ever sure of one thing in this world, it will be me.”
Gods,I wanted to believe him. More than anything, I wanted the safety and surety he was offering, so I decided to take it. All my doubt and all our differences be damned. Leaning forward, I brushed the tip of my nose over his chin, then pressed my lips hesitantly to his. But I should have known he would not suffer my attempt at coyness. One hand slipped around the back of my head and the other found my waist, pulling me into him. Without the suffocating haze of faerie wine, my magyk quickly took over, bathing us both in shadows. His fireflies emerged too, dancing along the lines of smokey darkness engulfing our intertwined bodies.
He rolled sideways, dropping my head onto his forearm as he deepened the kiss, testing every limit with his hands and tongue. This time, we were not racing sunrise or regret, and so everything slowed. I allowed myself to feel him, to explore and taste and listen, instead of burying my desire. A surge of fearlessness rose inside me, and I moved one of my hands beneath his shirt. But he broke the kiss and leaned his forehead against my nose, breaths coming out short and shallow.
“What’s the matter?” I asked, sliding my other fingers into his hair and pulling gently, forcing him to look at me. He was surprisingly compliant, and I made a note of it for the future.
“Hush,” he whispered, suddenly serious. His eyes drifted up to the tree canopy above us and a line appeared between his brows. “Do you hear that?”
I sucked in my breath and lifted my head off his arm, listening hard. At first, all I heard was the babbling creek and a few notes of birdsong. But then the sounds of the forest were broken by a faint but desperate scream.
“Robin! Puck!Devil!”
Chapter thirty-five
Wings & Blades
