“Yes, I am human! I cannot simply snap my fingers and become something other than what I am.”
“You arenothuman!” Devil shouted. “The sooner you accept it, the sooner you will make some kind of progress with your powers, and with the Rot!”
“I have made progress.”
“Not enough. When will you stoppretending? Stop following rules that no longer apply to you! Face your emotions and desires! Embrace them!Wieldthem!”
I called up my shadows in the shape of a short sword and held it in front of me. “A blade used merely for decoration isn’t a blade at all. It cannot be expected to function as a weapon until it is…taken down and sharpened and used.”
“So, you would like to be used?” Devil asked with a smirk. I ignored the perverse joke, but a sudden weakness in my limbs forced me to drop the shadow-sword, and it faded immediately. His tone softened and he put a hand on my shoulder. “I know you do not wish to live your life as a mere decoration, May.”
“I’m afraid…that I do not know how to be anything else,” I admitted softly, tipping forward to lean against his chest. He put his long arms around me and rested his chin on the top of my head.
“What is it you are so afraid of?”
I let out a shaking breath. “Losing my humanity, I suppose. Being powerful…it feels too good. I am afraid of losing myself to it, of becoming something…else. Something dangerous. Sissi taught me that power always corrupts, no matter how good your intentions.”
“Is that what you feel when you use it?” Devil asked. “Corrupt?”
“Sometimes I feel angry…angrier than I ever did before I had it…”
“Anger is not always evil, May. It can be righteous too. You feel angry when someone mistreats the people you care about, don’t you?”
“Of course.”
“Wield your power as righteous anger, then,” Devil said. “Turn it into a weapon of justice to protect your home and those you love.”
“Anger is not the only thing,” I murmured into his chest.
“What else? Tell me.”
“I…I want things…”
“Well, that is just plain unreasonable,” Devil snorted. “How dare youwantthings!”
“Do not tease me! You forget I was raised by the Church of HolyMartyrs. Martyrs are not supposed to want anything for themselves. They are supposed to be unselfish at all times.”
“And now you feel guilty for wanting anything that does not serve others?” Devil asked, a bit more gently. I nodded and he held me tighter. “If you deny yourself things simply because you believe thatwantingis evil, then you will never learn to trust yourself. You are a good person. Power and indulgence will not change that if you don’t allow them to. You are in control.”
“So…” I said slowly, pulling back to look at him, “wielding the magyk will be easier if I…learn to trust my own instincts, and I can do that by indulging in things I would normally deny myself?”
“Yes,” he laughed softly.
No sooner had the word left his mouth than I slapped him hard across the face.
He staggered backwards a pace, holding his cheek and looking shocked. “May, whatthe—”
“I have been denying myselfthatparticular pleasure for some time now,” I said, giving him my wickedest smile. As I expected, he recovered quickly, magyk fireflies swirling from his body and dancing around me. He moved back in, standing in that small space between us that always felt too close, and yet…just a bit too far.
“What other pleasures have you been denying yourself?” he asked in a low voice. “What else have you been too afraid to demand because you still see yourself as a Sister of Locksley, rather than a daughter of the Arden?”
I raised my hand between us and called up my shadows again, using them to encircle his throat.
“Having the means to keep you under control would be quite a gift,” I muttered. He didn’t move an inch as I formed the shadows into a thick, black collar with a short leash attached. “The night of the revelry, you asked if I would prefer you collared and leashed…”
Devil’s eyes widened as I curled my fingers in toward my palm, and he reached up to his neck. As soon as he confirmed that the shadows had become solid—that I trusted myself enough to know what I wanted and to take it—he wrapped a hand around the back of my head and pulled me into a punishing kiss.
Chapter thirty-nine
