I look up at the weathered boards, the red and white paint worn thin by years of salt and wind. This place that used to be our whole world, where we came when everything else got too loud, too much, and when we needed something that didn’t belong to, or was controlled by, anyone else. It’s strange to be standing this close to it now, and to even be on this beach. But being here with him… it’s also familiar in a way I’ve been craving for so long.
The voices that are trying to tell me this is not ok, and that it’s too much, too soon, are drowned out by his presence and the sight of this place. And as I feel the warm sun on my skin, the breeze in my hair, and listen to the sound of the waves and seagulls, the urge to go with him grows stronger. And the voices slowly shift to tell me it’s ok. That this is where I’m supposed to be.
So I nod. “Yeah.”
Levi gives me a soft smile, then turns and opens the door.
The smell of old wood and dust hits me right away as we step inside, and my eyes slowly adjust to the dark. Light filters down from the windows at the top in long, pale beams that catch the dust drifting in the air, and I watch it twist and swirl, like it’s finally free after being still for so long.
Levi starts up the stairs, and the soft echo of his footsteps moves through the space like a heartbeat, and my own answers it right away.My body moves on its own as it carries me up the stairs after him, like it’s finally coming home after so long away.
When I reach the top step, I stop as my eyes land on Levi standing near the window.
He has his back to me as he gazes out at the water below us, and the sky behind him is just beginning to deepen. The bright afternoon blue bleeds slowly into something deeper, with the first hint of gold just starting to spread across this space as the sun begins to lower towards the horizon.
I let my eyes trace over him, memorizing every part of this scene and locking it away with all the others just like it from the past. When I would always find him up here when I needed him, and he’d be waiting for me with no expectations, and no demands. Just understanding and space.
Winston pushes past me and starts nosing around the open space, and I step forward to stand beside Levi. The scene outside the window is something I see every day—the red sand beach and bright blue water are nothing new. But right now, it feels like I’m seeing it for the first time. It feels bigger, more beautiful, and something I want to fully experience instead of just watching it go by outside my tractor window.
I pull a deep breath in and slowly release it, letting something lift off my shoulders and float away with it, out into the breeze through the cracked window for it to fly away.
Levi turns to look at me with a soft smile, and I just hold his gaze for a moment, hanging onto this sense of familiarity.
His gaze eventually shifts past me, landing on the bin we kept up here.
“Think it’s all still in there?” he asks.
I don’t look at it, and instead just shift my attention out the window again. My stomach tightens at the thought of pulling all of that out, and it just feels like… too much.
“I don’t know,” I say quietly, trying not to think of the superhero drawn on the pages of sketchbooks, the stories written alongside them, the hockey cards, books, games, and everything else we put in there that represents our childhood. Because I know it’s all still in there. Everyone in this tiny town knew we came up here and claimed this as ours, and I know no one would touch any of it.
But for some reason, I’m just not ready. To open all of that up, and revisit everything that held our pain, joy, and sadness. Back when life felt so much simpler, and somehow so much harder too.
Levi just nods, then quietly turns back to look out the window. And a wave of gratitude rolls through me that he isn’t pushing it. Winston settles at my feet and leans against my leg, and my hand drops automatically to scratch behind his ear. He leans in harder against me, and I let the solid, simple comfort of him bring me a sense of calm again.
We’re all silent for a bit as we watch the waves and the seagulls, and let the peaceful quiet of this place seep into us like it always used to.
“I missed you, Silas.”
I turn to look at him, and he meets my eyes as another gentle smile spreads across his lips.
My gaze roams over his face, taking in everything about him, from the warmth in his expression to the easy way he holds himself, like this is the only place he wants to be.
And with everything between us now settling and making sense, and slowly shifting back to the way it’s supposed to be, I can’t deny that I feel the same way.
“I missed you too, Levi.”
His smile grows, and he bumps his shoulder into mine, in the small, effortless way he’s done a thousand times. But my heart lurches, and my own smile tugs at my lips. I never used to think anything of it, but now the feeling of him against me lingers, and I realize just how much I’ve been craving something so simple.
And as I look into his eyes, at the familiarity in them, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I could be happy again. Because I’m realizing I wasn’t. I wasn’t happy without Levi. And maybe that’s also why I was feeling scared and angry with him… although I still don’t fully understand all of it. My head still spins when I try to untangle all the ways this got so complicated. But right now, I’m not scared, and I’m not mad. And that feels pretty fucking good.
I know it won’t just be easy from here, and I know I still have work to do to understand myself better, and to fully let him in. But I want to. I really want to. And I feel like I can get there.
Levi turns back to the view with his smile still in place, but I keep my eyes on him. My fingers sink into Winston’s fur, and I let the softness of him send a ripple of calm through my body.
My eyes travel over Levi, from the strand of hair falling over his forehead, his smile that causes a slight crease at the corner of his eye, his strong shoulders, and his chest rising and falling with a deep breath…
I don’t want to look away.
