“Lindsay…” Dad sighs, also sounding tired. “I know it’s been harder on you. And I know he only lets me in. But I can’t fix what’s between you two. That’s somethingyouhave to build with him. He’s your son. I can’t build it for you.”
I stare down at my boots and the slush puddling on the mat beneath me.
I don’t want her to feel like this. I love her. But there’s something that holds me back when she gets too close. Something in me tightens up and pulls me away. Dad and my therapist say my brain learned that a long time ago, and that it’s trying to protect me from something. Something about my biological mom, from the time before I was adopted. But I don’t know what that was. And I don’t want to.
I want to be the son she wants. The one she can love, who doesn’t make her cry. But I don’t know how.
“For fuck’s sake, Scott,” she mutters, and sniffs again. “Iknowhe’s my son.”
There’s silence for a moment, and I try not to move or breathe too loudly.
“I think it’s time,” she says. “This isn’t doing any of us any good to continue like this.”
Ice slides through my veins. Time for what…?
Dad sighs heavily. “Yeah.”
The quiet between them lingers, and my heart starts beating so hard I’m surprised they can’t hear it.
“I can stay with my sister until I find a place,” Mom says. “When you get home tomorrow, we can tell Silas. I don’t think I can do it tonight.”
No. Please, no.
I squeeze my eyes shut and try to erase it all from my brain.
But I can’t. Because I knew this was coming. I’ve heard Dad carefully walking down the hall to the spare room every night when he thinks I’m asleep.
And it’s all my fault.
“Alright,” Dad says roughly, then pauses. “And for what it’s worth… I never wanted it to end this way.”
Before I even know what I’m doing, I turn around and open the door. Cold air rushes against my face as I step outside, and my boots crunch down the wooden steps and into the yard.
End.
It’s ending… my family.
Because of me.
I break into a run and follow the curve of the driveway until my boots hit the road. The snow glows under the moonlight, casting a quiet brightness across the fields and trees. It’s just enough light to see my breath as it rises in front of me in warm clouds and vanishes into the cold, dark sky. My lungs burn as I run faster and pull in the cold air, and each step I take lands in a pocket of silence as the snow swallows the crunch.
It should feel peaceful out here. In the stillness of falling snow, where the air is so quiet you can almost hear the world settle. But my chest hurts, and my muscles are tight, and nothing feels calm. Nothing feels settled.
It never has… but it really isn’t now.
By the time I reach Levi’s house, my face is numb, and my hands are shaking. I push the front door open and step inside, pulling in a lungful of warm air.
“Hey, Silas,” Mark says from the kitchen, glancing around the corner with a smile.
“Hi,” I mumble, kicking my boots off and unzipping my jacket with fingers that barely work they’re so cold.
“Did you eat yet?” Corinne asks as I step into the kitchen and see her sliding lids over dishes of leftovers from supper.
I pause as I glance between Levi’s parents, then sweep my eyes around the kitchen where Keigan is doing homework at the table, and the delicious smell of supper lingers in the air.
When I bring my gaze back to Corinne, she tilts her head and points a finger at me. “Don’t you lie to me.”
I shake my head and finally give in to the rumbling in my belly as I try momentarily pushing away the sadness, fear, and guilt of breaking up my parents.
