But as I look into his eyes… I realize I am failing.
I’m failing to stay mad at him. I’m failing to stay calm, failing to stay present, and failing at being a real person who can manage all this shit. I’m failing at what I need to be.
Levi exhales slowly. “Silas, I canhelpyou.”
I shake my head. “No, you can’t.”
His head tilts slightly as his brow furrows, and I quickly drop my gaze from his.
I know he hears the truth in those words. And I both love and hate that he can still read me like that.
But he doesn’t know me anymore.
And I don’t know him.
Winston looks up between us, and I trace his soft fur with my fingers again, letting it take some of the discomfort away.
“We need to work together on this at some point,” Levi says.
I nod. “I know.”
And I do know. I know I can’t keep him out of this field forever. It’s a part of the farm, and he needs data and whatever else to do whatever the fuck he’s here for. I know that…
I just want to keep it as mine for as long as I can… before I lose it.
And if I’m being unreasonable, I know that too.
But my brain won’t let me do anything else.
“But not today,” I say, letting my hand fall from Winston’s head, and step past Levi.
But before I get too far, his voice reaches me again.
“You said it hurt to keep chasing something you didn’t belong in anymore.”
I pause, keeping my back to him and my eyes fixed on the dirt in front of me.
“But I keep coming to you,” he says. “And you keep leaving.”
I blink and swallow hard. I know that, too. But I don’t understand it.
I don’t understand why I look for him when he’s not around and run away when he’s here.
I don’t understand any of this.
So I keep walking, confusion building inside me with every step I take away from him.
And the farther I get, the more it hurts.
Because… he does belong here.
And I kind of wish he’d chase me.
TWENTY-THREE
I twirlthe spaghetti onto my fork and take a bite, then sigh as I close my eyes. I definitely missed Mom’s cooking.
“Good?” she asks, laughing softly from across the table.
