“It’s ok,” I say, forcing lightness into my voice so we can move on. “Think you’ll come visit again before I’m back for Christmas? Keigan thinks he’ll come out in October for a hockey game.”
“I’d love to,” she says. “I’ll have to see how work goes and if I can get the time. But if I can, I’m in.”
I smile. “Awesome.” Then I glance around my room and sigh. “But I have the moving truck booked for tomorrow, and I’m not even close to finished packing yet. So I should probably go.”
Jade chuckles. “First time I think I’ve ever heard of you not having something done in time.”
“There’s still time,” I shoot back, then reel myself in. “I mean… I have time.”
She laughs again. “Some things never change. Ok, we’ll talk again soon. Love you.”
“Love you too,” I say, then end the call and lean back in my chair.
Some things never change.
But a lot does.
I stare out over the skyline from my window and try to convince myself to get up and keep packing. But my mind stays stuck… on Silas.
He got a new truck.
And I didn’t know.
Why would I, though? We've barely even spoken over the past year.
My eyes slowly drift to the bulletin board beside the window, still full of pinned schedules and lists I haven’t looked at in months. I lean forward and move a few pages aside to reveal a paper pinned beneath the rest, and pull it down.
I run my fingers over the lines of the turtle Silas drew and press my lips together as emotion immediately wells under the surface. We had such a good time that weekend, even though it started out rough. But it was also the last time we were truly happy together. And looking back, it feels like it was the beginning of the end, because nothing was quite the same after that. I think it was the moment we both realized we were growing in opposite directions instead of together.
Silas was always the person I wanted to share everything with. All my sadness and joy, and everything in between. But somewhere along the way, my joy became something that hurt him. And hurt us.
So I started keeping it to myself. Which I know only made things worse… but I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how else to keep him, and I desperately wanted to. In my attempt to keep him from leaving me… I drove him away.
He didn’t want to visit me in Toronto, and I understand that. It’s a lot for him. But it’s where I need to be. It’s where I can learn from the best and make my dream come true, to do work that really matters to me and become a high-level systems analyst for sustainable agriculture companies. I want to make a real difference, and Ican. Here, in Toronto.
And even though I get it, I still wish he could visit. I never asked him to try again because I knew how hard it was. But I think I was secretly hoping maybe he would. That we could figure out a way to make it work for both of us, and I wasn’t the only one always going to see him. It hurts that he didn’t want to try again.
It felt like the only way to stay in his life was to stay frozen in place, because the only life we could have together was in PEI. And I would have to give up everything I worked so hard for.
He thinks I chose city life over him. But I didn’t have a choice.
This is where my school is. This is where the opportunities are for me to be what I want to be and to achieve my goals. It sucked to have to cut last summer short and come back to Toronto, but the chance to be part of research in the field I want to work in was something I couldn’t pass up. And even when I told him it was for school, I know he still thought I was leavinghim.
And it hurt more than anything when he chose to walk away instead of figuring out how we could make it work and still be friends.
I never wanted it to go this way.
I fold the drawing and place it carefully between the pages of a book I haven’t packed yet. Then I lean back in my chair and pull out my phone. My heart thumps as I pull up my messages, and I scroll to find his name.
The last messages we exchanged were a few months ago, when I was home for Christmas. Just one line each, with a vague suggestion about maybe meeting up. Which didn’t happen because we were both still hurt and angry.
And I guess maybe we still are.
I stare at the screen with my thumbs hovering, and I don’t even know what to say. I used to tell him everything. Even when there was nothing to say, I still said it to him. He was always there, no matter what. And now I have to dig deep and build the courage to send a simple message.
I pull a breath in, and tap out a message, quickly hitting send as my heart riots.
Heard you got a new truck. Never thought that would happen.
