“I was thinking we could go camping at Brudenell this summer,” I say. “I can take some time off.”
Levi doesn’t say anything, and I turn to look at him.
He bites the inside of his cheek, then shifts his eyes to meet mine. “Si… I’m only home for a week.”
Everything in me stills as I stare back at him, and it feels like the world starts closing in. The sounds of the waves and seagulls fade, and all I can hear is my heart thumping.
No.
Please, no.
“What?” I manage to say, squeezing my hands together in an attempt to bring the feeling back to them.
“I got an internship in Toronto for the summer,” he says cautiously, keeping his eyes on me. “It’s in AgriculturalTechnology, which is exactly what I wanted. I’ll be working in sustainability reporting and operational optimization. It’s everything I’ve been studying and that I love. It’s perfect… and it starts next week.”
My brow furrows as I try to follow what he’s saying. “And you need to go to Toronto to work in agriculture?”
“I know,” he says with a half-smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Sounds weird. But that’s where the head offices are for these big corporations.”
I shift my gaze back out over the water and clench my jaw, trying to make sense of everything rushing through me. I know this is what he’s been working towards. He found his passion for sustainability and agricultural technology early on in his degree, and this is exactly what he wants. I should be happy for him.
Am I an asshole for not being happy…?
“This is your only time here all summer?” I ask, keeping my eyes fixed on the water, because I already know the answer. And I don’t want him to see the hurt I know I’m not hiding.
“Yeah,” he says quietly.
“And you couldn’t have told me this?” I ask, turning towards him now as the hurt suddenly takes a sharp turn towards anger.
Levi winces. “I… I didn’t know how.”
I huff and shake my head, looking away again. “Yeah. Why would you?”
“What does that mean?” Levi asks, an edge to his voice now as he leans forward to try to catch my eye.
I keep my gaze on the water, but I can feel it building. I try to keep it down and tell myself I’m not mad at him—I’m just mad. I’m mad that I let it get like this, and that I can’t be enough. That I can’t be the kind of person who makes someone stay. That I can’t just go visit him, and be a normal twenty-one-year-old guy.
“Nothing,” I mutter.
“No,” Levi says. “Say it.”
Heat rises in my chest, and I pick at my fingers as I try to control it. But it just keeps coming… searching for a target.
I turn my head to look at Levi. He’s staring right at me with a tense jaw, ready for what he probably knows I’m about to throw at him.
“You’re too busy with your city life to care about me anymore.”
I regret the words the second they leave my mouth. But at the same time, I don’t. Because they’re true. Or they’ve started to feel true, little by little, over the past year. And I’ve never said it out loud before now.
Levi’s eyes darken, and his shoulders tense. And for the first time, I see real anger in him. He doesn’t usually get mad. He always stays calm, no matter what. But right now, anger is all I can see.
“That’s not fair,” he says in a low voice.
“No.” I shake my head. “It isn’t.”
He throws his hands in the air. “What do you want me to do? Did you think I’d just move back here after school, and nothing would change?”
If my heart wasn’t hurting before, it is now.
