Dad doesn’t respond right away, and I hear the soft sigh escape him.
“How about you go visit him this year again?” Dad asks. “We’ll give you time off. You never take any. You can go in the fall when the weather is still nice.”
I immediately shake my head. “I can’t.”
He reaches out and grips my arm, gently pulling me to face him.
“It’sLevi. This isn’t…” he trails off as the sadness in his eyes becomes impossible to ignore, and I quickly look away.
He doesn’t have to finish that thought. I know what he’s saying.
This isn’t like Mom. Where the distance grew until it became unavoidable, and she could make her escape. So she could finally build the life she really wanted with a new husband and his kids who aren’t fuck-ups. Now all she has to do is send me an email or a text every couple months so she can still call herself my mother. She gave up because I’m either too much or not enough to fit into her new life… and we both know I can’t be fixed.
But Levi wouldn’t do that… right?
Dad tilts his head towards the farm behind us. “Go. You’re done for the day. I’ll put the tractor away.”
I hesitate, but nod.
Dad pats my back as he moves past me to hop into the tractor, and I pull my phone out as I head towards the driveway.
And my heart sinks a bit when there are no notifications on my screen.
I tap Levi’s name and type out a message.
Silas: Lighthouse?
The three dots appear almost instantly, followed by his reply.
Levi: Already here
I head down the dirt road, walking quickly as the sun warms my skin and the sounds of the ocean grow louder. I glance at Levi’s house as I pass, and it’s like nothing has changed. It looks the same as it always does… even though he’s home.
My heart thumps harder as the narrow path to the beach comes into view. But it feels different from the usual excitement I feel when I see him after we’ve had time apart. That feeling has slowly been pushed out by something different that feels more like unease and worry. Like I’m just waiting for something bad to happen.
I hate that.
But Iamlooking forward to seeing him. I haven’t even been in the lighthouse since he was home last summer. And even then, we didn’t go much. I’ve been waiting because it’s always been ours. Even when I wanted to go, when I needed it after running into Ashton and Jeremy in town and hearing the same tired shit about how I’m just a farmer, or when Bell ended whatever it was we were trying to figure out because I couldn’t get my shit together… I still didn’t go. I could have used the quiet and the familiar comfort the lighthouse brings, but I stayed away. Because I only go there with Levi.
He doesn’t even know most of this. He’s been busy, and I didn’t want to bother him with stupid shit when he was at school doing things that are way more important.
But maybe this summer, things can go back to how they used to be.
When I step onto the red sand, my eyes land on Levi immediately. He’s sitting in the middle of the beach, arms draped over his knees as he faces the water, and his brown hair blows in the wind. The waves crash on the sand in a messy rhythm as seagulls circle overhead and cry into the bright blue sky, and I pull a breath in to let the salty air calm me.
“Hey,” I say as I drop onto the sand next to him.
He looks at me and smiles, his brown eyes brightening as he bumps his shoulder against mine. “Hey.”
“When did you get back?”
“A few hours ago,” he says. “Sorry. My grandparents were visiting. It was busy.”
I nod, looking out at the water. “It’s alright.”
But it isn’t. None of this feels right. And I fucking hate that. It’s not supposed to be like this. We don’t do silence and awkward hellos. This isn’t who we are.
Maybe Dad’s right. Maybe I do need to take time off and spend it with him. And I don’t want to wait until the fall. Levi’s here now, and we can make it better.
